Your Pride is the Way

SPN!

2009-11-06T03:17:39Z

UHHHHH.

WHAT THE FUCK. AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Did Jeremy Carver go stalking through fandom and trip over that amazing TV themes vid (Channel Hopping) and just go like HAY I think I will rip this off wholesale!! ROCK ON!!

Because I think yes.

It was totally hilarious. Seriously, the fact that Jared and Jensen were clearly having a LAUGH RIOT was pouring off of it in waves. GOD MY FACE WAS HURTING FROM LOLZING AND SQUEALING. KNIGHT RIDER WITH SAM AND THE IMPALA UNITED AS KITT OH MY GOD I FUCKING DIED. I DO NOT EVEN KNOW. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO WET MYSELF.

SAM IN HIS HILARIOUS LITTLE SURGERY CAP SOGINKEGYOHDINHOINWKT WITH HIS ADORABLE LITTLE ELFIE EARS AND SOGINTKWEDGHONIKTWSODINH I DO NOT EVEN KNOW. CALLING FOR DENTAL FLOSS, STAT. GOD OIGNKDHOIND BEST EVERRRRRR.

Also after having watched the endless one-liners from CSI: Miami with Sam until we were blue in the face and laughing like crazy people and saying "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" constantly, it was amazing amazing amazing to die laughing at Sam and Dean doing it. :D!

Anyway, so there was a lot of hilarity and good-ness. The opening credits/themesong for Supernatural The Sitcom! Sam having to do the Herpitrex commercial or whatever that thing was!! (WHAT IS IT WITH THEM GIVING SAM STDs THIS SEASON??) Dean being a Dr. Sexy, MD fanatic and the shoutout to JDM!

BUT THEN THERE WAS THE ENDING. :( They basically just RUINED THE TRICKSTER FOR ME. How dare they make him be an angel. HOW DARE THEY. UGH I AM SO ANGRY. I just want to pretend that part didn't happen. I just want to cut off the last ten minutes and leave it at that. I just. I cannot even go into how upset I am about that, and I don't even really know why!! I guess because I am so sick of the angel thing in general I was clinging to the amazingness that was the show and its MOTWs before angels gummed up the works irrevocably.

Sigh, I don't know. I have such mixed feelings about this one. :( Why did they have to poo all over the Trickster. :(

The protagonist's circumstances are unrelenting.

2009-11-05T05:46:16Z

I went to see an advance screening of Precious tonight. Lee Daniels (the director) and Paula Patton (the actress who plays the influential teacher) were there to do a Q&A afterwards. The screening was for teachers and youth workers in particular, and it was at the E Street Cinema downtown (which is my fave movie theatre).

Man, I don't even know what to say.

I want everyone I have ever known to see this movie. The kids I work with, my kids, live this movie or something like it every single day. One of my girls in particular leads a life scarily parallel to Precious's. Their strength and courage is unimaginable to me. I don't know where it comes from, their resilience. I know I could never do what they do just by facing life every day.

I want to make a big soapbox post about this movie and the issues it addresses and working with "troubled youth" and my feelings, but I don't want to be soppy or sound patronizing and also it is late. I do want people who've seen the movie (or read the book Push, which it's based on) to come talk to me about it, though. I really want to process but I am just so speechless.

SO INSTEAD I will ask if anyone knows if there is a Big Bang Theory episode download community? :D I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IT. You can drop me an email or something if you don't want to comment. lucifee @ gmail dot com

SPN!

2009-10-30T02:21:39Z

FIRST OF ALL. MOST IMPORTANTLY.

CASSIDY!!! FROM KYLE XY!!! He was seriously THE BEST CHARACTER ON THE WHOLE SHOW by the end of Kyle XY, and I seriously pissed myself when he was first on screen tonight. I LOVE THAT GUY. I WANT TO SEE EVERYTHING HE'S EVER DONE. Also I don't know if he's originally English or Irish, as he had a London accent in Kyle XY but his Irish accent tonight was really amazing, so who knows. IDK I LOVE HIM. :( HE WAS SUCH A FUCKING AWESOME GUEST STAR.

Honestly, I thought he was way better than the guy who played old Dean. I don't know if it was the writing or the actor, but yeah. I was not really impressed? I think mostly it's that the writing for Dean is usually not particularly stellar, but Jensen is so amazing, it doesn't actually seem as bad as it is when he's performing it. But when someone who doesn't have his Dean skillz or his rapport with the rest of the cast tries to do the same sorts of lines, it just falls flat.

Really the writing of this whole episode in general seemed sort of lackluster to me? I MEAN DON'T GET ME WRONG. IT WAS A NICE EPISODE! It was a super fun premise and I was about to have a heart attack of my own during Sam's poker game when my entire chest threatened to explode from mingled suspense and LUST and JOY. I loved Patrick. I just thought the girlfriend and old Dean and pretty much everything Bobby said and Sam randomly disappearing at the beginning and the end and 98% of the jokes and all of the transitions were lamer than usual. WAS IT JUST ME?? I DON'T KNOW! I JUST FEEL LIKE THIS EPISODE WAS WEIRD??? AM I WRONG??

Sam was so beautiful, though. D: OH MY GOD. I just osidgnkdslfghfognh his stupid intense gorgeous FACE. His hands clutching those cards and sliding those chips. DEAN BOWLEGGEDLY CLICKING HIS HEELS. DIED OF CUTE.

As much as I was MEH about the old guy, he did say, "And Sammy...don't lose," really well. Which is good because it was one of the most important lines!!

I feel like maybe a big part of this episode was supposed to show that the time apart actually did end up doing Sam and Dean good, even if ultimately they couldn't keep it up. Patrick (I just typed that as Cassidy odsindfkh) was saying what we all were thinking, which was that Sam must be so emotional over Dean there's no way he could play a good game of poker. Except he DID keep his cool, and he DID use his brain, even though Dean's life was in super deep shit trouble. NOT THAT HE WASN'T ALSO FREAKING OUT. He clearly was. But he was also capable of functioning and didn't go spastic and try and kill everyone or anything. Which I would not have put past him in the past! I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I AM MAKING ALL THIS UP? They even did that fakeout thing where they wanted us all to think Sam was lying when really he was going to play, but then it turned out that he and Dean had planned it and he wasn't being a Bad Guy after all. IDK I FEEL LIKE THIS EPISODE IS SUPPOSED TO TELL US SAM IS GROWING UP. As if we didn't know that already.

sjdflkmh HOWEVER. I did not at all understand why Dean would think Sam was bad at poker sodindgkhlj. I mean. Obviously Sam is a poker genius. He's been lying and hiding things like a fucking champ his entire life. :/ I think it's pretty OOC that Dean wouldn't know he'd be fucking kickass at poker.

ANYWAY. Overall it was a nice episode! Mostly because Cassidy can do no wrong, ahahaha. And Sam Winchester is a beautiful genius who's seen Grumpy Old Men and loves his brother. And Dean is a doofus who loves his brother, too. AND MAKES GAY JOKES ABOUT SAM GETTING STDS FROM SEXY IRISH CONMEN/WITCHES. APPROVED, DEAN. I like how they never cleared up that issue, so to speak. I guess Sam popped over to the Planned Parenthood and got a quickie test and some antibiotics, ahahaha. 100% ENJOY THIS THOUGHT, SPN. BRAVO. Not so bravo on the majorly OTT last talk between Dean and Bobby, though. HO HUM.

ETA: OOH! OOOOOH! Was Sam running off to get a "booster shot" at the end supposed to be a reference to him treating his gonorrhea? (BTW: "The Clap" = Gonorrhea, contrary to popular belief.) Because if so, WTF SAM. You usually only get a shot of antibiotics for gonorrhea if you're PREGNANT OR UNDER 18. IS THERE SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TELL US, SAM??

EF. EM. EL.

2009-10-23T02:02:35Z

WHAT. THE FUCK. IS WRONG. WITH THE PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE.

THERE IS A HANDFUL OF MAGNUMS IN. THE. KITCHEN. DRAWER. WHY??? WHY ON EARTH? IS THIS A J-SQUARED FIC OR SOMETHING AND I WAS NOT NOTIFIED?

The Jesus and the Thinspiration quote used to be on the refrigerator, but I took them down my second week here and shoved them in the drawer because I could not bear to look at them. NOW THEY APPARENTLY HAVE SOME HILARIOUS COMPANY.

TAKING BETS ON WTF IS GOING ON HERE!!! PLEASE ADVISE. THERE ARE A BILLION MEAT-WRAPPING JOKES THAT NEED TO BE MADE.

In other news, I am eating a bowl of tater tots and have an enormous smear of hickey bruises on my neck. I am all class tonight, guys.

SPN!

2009-10-16T08:26:31Z

I honestly don't have all that much to say this week because lazy_daze and I just got back from a fetish/lifestyle club with my sister and I had RATHER A LOT of rum and Coke and am very tired! It was an awesome night.

SO YEAH. THE EPISODE.

I LIKED IT!

I think the Antichrist storyline is potentially interesting, and the kid was pretty neat, as far as kids go. Sam was deliciously beautiful and I totally LOL'D at Dean's hairy palm, which I TOTALLY CALLED. I rolled at the Mr. Wizard reference, too. I LOVED MR. WIZARD AS A KID. I also thought the guest-star who played the mom (who is apparently somebody! I didn't realize!) was AMAZING and her story was really creepy and compelling and awesome. I love both The Omen and Rosemary's Baby, so it was an awesome premise.

Sam talking to Jesse and relating to him was precious and awesome to watch (how many times can I use "awesome" in one post?). Oh Sammy :((( I sort of wanted Dean to talk to him about that afterwards, but I can't say I'm really surprised he didn't. Castiel was a FLAMING DICK and made me want to toss his little action-figure self into the fire. >:0! BOO. I kind of wanted Dean to stick up for Sam when Castiel was being a buttface to him, but again, not surprised he didn't. Sigh. I want Sam and Castiel to be friends. :((( I have a bunch of Sam/Castiel fics open in tabs to read, which will be exciting and different after this episode. :D! YAY.

IDK! I thought it was a good epsiode, but overall maybe a little anticlimactic? I guess I was expecting more Sam-and-Dean progression, and the Antichrist disappearing to be used at a later time (I assume) seemed like sort of an "...oh..." moment.

I really loved how desaturated and season-one-y it felt, atmosphere-wise, and I LOVED the gross visual of the girl SCRATCHING HER OWN BRAINS OUT. OMFG AWESOME. Also I thought it was funny when Dean used the joybuzzer on Sam because of all the times Sam's acted on a total hunch that could technically have killed Dean but didn't. THE TABLES HAVE TURNED! Ahaha!

So yeah! I guess that's all I really have to say about that. lazy_daze said a lot of stuff that I think, too.

I should make a post about the interesting thoughts I had at the club, but I think I will combine them with my previous experience I was going to post about and make like. One big conglomerate post.

Everyone should go read j2_remix fics! It opened today, and there is some awesome stuff there. I haven't had a chance to read the one remixed for me, though I posted mine early this afternoon. I'll have time to read once I get back home this weekend, I'm sure! Which is good (ALSO I AM GETTING A RAT!) but mostly I don't want to go back home because that means going back to work. :(

FIC: If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink (The First Love Remix)

2009-10-15T17:35:48Z

Title: If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink (The First Love Remix)
Author: balefully
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4,800
Disclaimer: A product of my fevered imagination.

Summary: Jared figures out he's gay and decides he'll just put his romantic life on hold until he makes it big. But then he meets Jensen, and a wrench gets thrown in the works.

Notes: Written for j2_remix. I was assigned the inimitable chash (i.e. longsufferingly), and spent about eighty years just going through her enormous catalogue of fic to pick one for remixing. I cannot TELL you how difficult it is to remix an author as amazing as she is. It has been a humbling experience. I settled on If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink, and decided to do a prequel of sorts. Thanks so much to rivers_bend for the beta!

If She Seems As Lonely As Me, Let Her Sink (The First Love Remix)

Jared is sitting on Alexis Bledel's couch, her head on his shoulder and her hair in his mouth, when he realizes he's gay. Not that he hadn't thought about it before, but that's when it really hits him. She's warm and curvy and breathing through slack lips all red from kissing him, her hand brushing across his chest and down to his waist. But all Jared can really focus on is his right foot being asleep where it's tucked under him and the nagging thought that he may have accidentally left his apartment door unlocked.

"You okay?" she asks, and pulls back. Her big blue eyes are even bigger and bluer than usual. She's clearly doing it on purpose to make him feel guilty.

"Sure. Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking. But you're all stiff and—"

Jared raises his eyebrows.

"Not like that, jerk," Alexis says, trying not to laugh. She elbows him delicately in the side, then shrugs. Neither of them mention that's he's not actually stiff at all.

But Jared's thinking it. If he were on a couch with Trip the PA instead, it'd be a very different story. He's positive.

"Just distracted, I guess," Jared mumbles, and takes Alexis's hand, twining their fingers together to keep her from grabbing where he'd really rather she not grab. "I should probably be getting back, now that I think about it."

"But you just got here," she says plaintively.

"Sorry." He doesn't even try to make an excuse—just pushes up off the couch, listening to the soft crackle of static when their sweaters rub and pull apart. "See you tomorrow."

"Sleep well," Alexis says, and waves from the couch when Jared lets himself out.

He doesn't sleep well, though. That night, he jerks off four times thinking about cock-sucking and ass-fucking. He feels pretty bad afterwards, and mostly just stares at the ceiling until his alarm goes off for his eight AM call.

*

Jared meets Sandra McCoy for the first time on the set of Cry_Wolf. Jeff Wadlow is teaching them how to play Wolf, and most people are fumbling through it like they've never acted before in their lives. Sandra's the best of all of them by far, just because she's so damn sweet and no one ever suspects her. She lies like it's nothing.

"Wow," Jared says, after the third time she wins. It was the tie-breaker, because they'd both won two rounds. "You rock at this game, Sandra."

"Sandy," she says, and smiles her big, bright smile. "I don't rock, really. You just suck."

That's a lie, too. Jared's awesome at Wolf. "A bunch of us are going to McCormack's tonight. Wanna come with?"

"Lindy already invited me," she says, casually pulling her glossy hair up into a long, straight ponytail. "God, I'm starving. Gonna get some food. See you at the bar, Jared."

"See you, Sandy." She gives him a little wave and runs off, graceful as always, even though she's just going to grab a burrito from craft services. Jared rubs absently at his chest, trying to piece together a concrete plan from all the little ideas popping up in his head.

Sandy's the best liar Jared knows. She's sweet and beautiful and competitive and never curses and isn't afraid to give him shit. He really, really wants to hang out with her and has no desire at all to get in bed with her.

She'd be the perfect girlfriend.

*

"So you want me to be your beard?" Sandy says, laughing quietly when they're out together at Highland Grounds, just them.

Cry_Wolf finished filming a month or two ago, but they've been seeing a lot of each other anyway. They both live in LA, and Sandy's by far the most fun person Jared's ever spent time with. Way better than his douchey high school friends and way better than pretentious Alexis. They talk about everything; she told him about her family, about how hard it is for her still. About how she did some stuff she's not proud of after they died just because of how deep she'd sunk. She still has scars on the insides of her thighs.

Jared told her he was gay after she hiked up her skirt and showed him. He hadn't ever told anyone else, and Sandy deserved to know. She deserved to be the first. He was worried things would change, but they didn't. She smiled and said she already knew. That she loved him for it, and anyone else worth their salt would, too.

By "anyone else", she'd meant his family, though. Not the networks or the studios.

Jared bounces his knee restlessly. "Well, I didn't really—I just wondered if you would—"

"You want me to be your beard," Sandy says again, smirking. "Luckily, I’m in the market for a hot gay boyfriend who lets me sleep with anyone I want."

Jared ducks his head and laughs, embarrassed. "If that's how you want to look at it."

"It is," Sandy says, and tweaks Jared's nose like he's five years old.

"My agent thinks I should have a girlfriend. I don't know, though—that feels sort of weird. I guess I should just keep it quiet until I'm big enough I can get work even if people know."

"What's Hollywood without a couple PR stunts?" Sandy shrugs and leans into Jared where they're pressed together, tucked in the corner of the booth. "It'll be okay, Jared."

"Sure it will, baby," Jared says, testing it out in his mouth. It tastes pretty good, so he slides an arm around Sandy's tan shoulders. She raises an eyebrow, but still smiles sweetly. She's not lying this time.

*

Jared finally has it all figured out. Everything's great.

Everything's great until the day Jared has an audition for a new genre show on the WB, anyway. The moment Jared Padalecki meets Jensen Ackles, everything in his world comes to a screeching halt.

"I'm Jared," he says, trying not to sound breathless. Jensen is the hottest man he's ever seen in his life. He's perfect in every possible way.

"Jensen," Jensen says, and smiles. Jared's chest tingles.

They shake hands, strong grip on strong grip, and Jared's heart thumps and his palms go embarrassingly sweaty and he can't think of anything smart to say. "So where is everyone?" he asks after a moment, but he doesn't look around because he can't take his eyes off Jensen.

"There isn't anyone. It's just us." Jensen rubs the back of his neck and licks his lips, traces of his smile still happily creasing the skin by his eyes.

"Oh," Jared says. It's all he can do not to let his mouth hang open. He thinks inanely of his mother telling him he'd catch flies in it if he left it like that. "Uh, so," he starts, trying to keep his mouth in motion. "Where're you from?"

Jensen takes the small-talk bait, and they end up chatting until the producers finally call them in. He's from Texas. He has an older brother and a younger sister. He's done a fair amount of TV work before, got into it pretty young. It's kind of ridiculous, really, how much they have in common. How easy it is to talk to Jensen.

That's really all he needs. The jolt of overwhelming attraction and a quick, friendly chat. It's probably stupid and melodramatic, but Jensen is it for him. He just is. Jared knows that as surely as he knows the sun's gonna come up tomorrow and that Emmitt Smith's gonna make the Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility. It doesn't matter that he and Jensen only just met, that they've barely exchanged two-dozen words. That there isn't really such thing as love at first sight. Jared feels like he's going to throw up all of his vital organs, and that's more than enough.

Jared woos Jensen with friendship, with his enthusiasm, diving in with all this heart because he can't let it go any further than that. He can't let himself get in too deep, and he can't ruin his carefully laid-out career. He can't lose Jensen's casual touches and bright, crinkle-eyed smiles and stupid, hilarious sarcasm.

They're thrown together up in Canada, sharing a truck every morning on the long, cold drive to set. Jensen's seriously thinking about trying to wiggle out of his contract, and Jared plays along. But his heart's not really in it when Jensen pulls him into conspiring quietly in the back seat, spitting sharp words about certain networks which assure them they'll be filming at home in LA when really they're going to be shipped off to the frozen tundra against their wills.

Luckily they have each other. A plus because Jared doesn't have to be alone by himself, as it were, but a minus because it makes him ever-crazier. He's tucked away in this isolated little world, just him and Jensen, all on their own. He talks to Sandy pretty much every day on the phone, and his family at least once a week, but it's still an emotional strain. Jensen's right there beside him every time Jared starts pacing restlessly, though, ready with a beer and soft words and good advice.

Jared never says that sometimes it just makes him more restless.

Jensen humors him when Jared tries to climb him like a tree, and when he grabs Jensen for noogies, and when Jared playfully tries to kiss him in front of crowds of people—more than once. It's stuff any dudes would do, Jared's sure. Playing gay and laughing it up is totally normal, but Jared's burning hot through it all. Jensen laughs and plays along like a good friend, even if sometimes he does say stuff that makes Jared wonder. They're thick as thieves but nothing more.

It'll have to do.

*

They get through the grueling hours and physical drain together. Season one ends in a flurry of excitement and anxiety. Everyone's either entirely positive Supernatural will get picked up for season two, or entirely positive it won't. Jared and Jensen are hitting the punch at the wrap party pretty hard, and they may or may not have spiked it with a whole second bottle of rum. Robert Singer is slurring his words and talking baby-talk about his niece. It's pretty frightening.

Mike the stuntman brings cigars for everyone, and Jared and Jensen each take one. They have to go out back to smoke them, half the crew giving dirty looks to everyone with a cigar and hacking out phony coughs. The grass is sort of wet but Jared and Jensen sit on it anyway, and the cold soaking into Jared's jeans actually feels sort of good, cutting through his drunk daze. "Hey," he says, lazy but emboldened at the same time.

"Hmm?" Jensen mumbles. He's looking up at the sky, fingers in the cold wet grass, head tipped back so his throat is long and pale in the moonlight.

"So I might not ever see you again." Jared ducks his head and fiddles with the frayed hem of his jeans.

"Don't be retarded," Jensen says. His eyes are closed.

"Well if we don't get picked back up—"

"I'll still see you. We're both gonna be in LA."

"I have a lot of friends who live in LA I hardly ever see."

"Yeah, but they're not me." Jensen smiles, just a little smile, but Jared sees everything in it.

"You saying you wanna see me?" Jared holds his breath, even though the question could sound completely innocent to Jensen.

Jensen doesn't answer. He just licks his lips like he always does. They stare at each for a long moment, but it's not awkward or uncomfortable. Jared's just thinking about Jensen's eyes, about his nose, about his mouth and that time they almost came to blows but ended up hugging it out instead.

"I'm gay," Jared says. It doesn't seem random, though it technically isn't relevant.

Jensen still doesn't say anything. He just leans in and kisses Jared, soft and open. He tastes like rum and spit, and his tongue curls up gently under Jared's top lip. Jared breathes sharply through his nose, surprised, and tips forward until he's kneeling up over Jensen, arms going around his back and holding him close, their chests pressed tight and warm together in the cool of the night. Jensen makes a barely audible noise in the back of his throat, and Jared opens wider, pulls back and kisses deeper. He's probably making noises, too, but all he can hear is the rush of his blood in his ears.

When he finally pulls back, knees wet and cold and protesting, Jensen is breathing harsh and heavy. "I know," he says, and everything changes again. They lie there for some indeterminate amount of time, and Jared mostly just listens to Jensen's slow, steady breaths, blissfully thinking about nothing at all. His dick is half-hard and he doesn't even care. They only get up when they start shivering, wordlessly ducking back inside to rejoin the party. It's getting late, and people are starting to filter out.

Jared calls a cab and spends the ten minutes before it arrives saying goodbye to everyone, not sure what any of their fates will be. He's just giving a last wave when he feels warmth by his side. Jensen's leaning back on the wall next to him, must've sidled up when Jared was shouting to Mike the stunt guy.

He clears his throat and turns to Jensen. His hands hang awkwardly—he doesn't really know what to do with them. He shrugs. "So I guess this is goodbye?" Jared tries lamely, not sure how to act after that kiss outside. He wants to pretend like it never happened, like there's still that last distance between them, or he'll be completely fucked.

Jensen raises an eyebrow and licks his lips, pressing them together before he speaks, quiet and hoarse. "I wasn't really planning on goodbye just yet, no. Thinking more like a shared cab."

"Oh." It's a stupid cliché, but it really does feel like Jared's heart skips a beat. He didn't think that ever really happened. He presses a hand nervously over his chest.

Jensen swallows and his eyes flick sideways, away from Jared's face. "Unless you don’t want—"

"Yes! Yes, let's—uh. We can definitely share a cab." Jared nods his head towards the door, a horn honking right on time. He shoves his hands in his pockets when Jensen turns away, trying to keep them from shaking.

Jared gives the driver directions to his place, and the fuzzy haze of alcohol manages to make the entire ride last about two seconds. The next thing he knows, he's swiping his key in the elevator and Jensen is shuffling purposefully towards him.

"I lied," Jensen murmurs. Jared has a sharp moment of panic while he imagines the worst before Jensen continues. "Wasn't sharing your cab. I was coming home with you."

"Got that part," Jared whispers, curling a finger under Jensen's smooth chin to tilt his face up. "Gonna kiss you again."

Jensen just lets his eyes flutter closed, so Jared kisses them first, one soft press of lips to each eyelid. He just gets to Jensen's mouth when the elevator dings and the doors slide open on Jared's suite of rooms.

They beeline for the bed, no pretense or talking or pouring more drinks. Jared sits on it heavily, so glad he's got clean sheets and it's made up. Not that Jensen hasn't seen his place looking like a gross bachelor pad on numerous occasions, but this time—this time it has to be perfect.

Jensen doesn't waste any time, either, kneeing up onto the bed, thighs spread across Jared's lap. Jared leans back on his elbows and tries to steady his breathing, tries to drink in the whole sight at once. Jensen's jeans pulled tight across the bulge of his fly, his rumpled shirt that started out the night pressed and perfect. Jensen's face, lips slack and eyes wide and dark. It doesn't feel real, somehow. And Jared's so hard—he wants to ignore his dick, pay attention to Jensen, but the throb of it is an insistent, thrumming heat.

Jensen takes Jared's face in his hands and kisses him again, picking up where they left off. Jared parts his lips and follows along as Jensen tastes his mouth, nipping some, pressing deeper. It's amazing. Jensen's far and away the best kisser Jared's ever experienced. He knows how to pick 'em. Jared slides his hands up Jensen's back, under his shirt, just feeling the smooth skin and hard muscle and trying to learn the dips of Jensen's spine and ribs. Wants to feel everything he can reach. That his dick's fattening up already just from some kissing and tame groping is both embarrassing and thrilling. Jared's never been this turned on. Never.

When Jensen starts shifting rhythmically on Jared's lap, almost imperceptibly, Jared pulls back with a soft wet sound. He can't help smiling, face hot and thumbs rubbing up and down Jensen's sides. "Hey," he says, trying to remember English. "You—uh—"

"Sorry," Jensen says, blushing bright red. He starts to scramble off Jared's lap, but Jared just grabs Jensen's hips and keeps him in place. "No, that's good. I like it."

"Yeah?" Jensen sits up again, sliding forward tentatively until his fly is rubbing against Jared's.

"Yeah." Jared rubs his palms over Jensen's thighs, digging his fingertips in some. Jensen leans down to touch his forehead to Jared's, mouth open as he pants a little. "You hard for me right now?" Jared asks, just a whisper, lips brushing Jensen's.

"Yeah. Real hard," Jensen whispers, each word full of heavy effort. Jared can feel the heat of Jensen's cheeks and catches his breath as Jensen rocks against him to prove his point.

"Feel it," Jared says, awkwardness nothing in the face of how badly he wants something, anything to satisfy the heat burning him up. He slides his hands to Jensen's ass, cupping and kneading and shifting his own hips up a little, pressing them closer together, dicks unmistakably thrusting against each other's. "Me too."

"Jared," Jensen says, and Jared tries to look up, his nose grazing Jensen's, but Jensen's eyes are closed, like he has to pretend Jared's not looking at him when he murmurs, "want you to fuck me."

Jared's fingers tighten reflexively on Jensen's ass and he makes a high, pathetic noise in the back of his throat. "You do? I—god, I want to. So bad. But I've never—"

"I know," Jensen says, and finally meets Jared's eyes. "It's okay, don't care. We'll make it work."

"Fuck, Jensen—I don't—I've wanted this since the very first second I saw you. I'm not even kidding. Felt so right. Never been with a guy before, and I don't care. Wanna fuck you." He pulls at Jensen's shirt, trying to quash the frantic urge to rip it off. Instead he slides it over Jensen's head without a hitch. Next comes the belt and socks and jeans, and Jared's further gone with every inch of Jensen's skin he sees.

He's still fully clothed when Jensen's naked, straddling his lap again, rubbing up against Jared, through his clothes. It's the hottest thing Jared's ever done, just sitting on the bed in his clothes while Jensen rocks and shifts there, Jared kissing him and running his hands everywhere he can reach. "C'mon," Jensen says finally, and starts helping Jared out of his clothes, too.

Jared presses Jensen back onto the bed when he's stripped down, hands on Jensen's shoulders, hips between Jensen's thighs. "Like this. Wanna look at you."

Jensen nods, flushing all the way down to his chest. He spreads his thighs apart wider and Jared swallows thickly, watching Jensen's dick bobbing against his stomach, red and straining, thick and veiny with need. He takes it in one hand, gingerly at first, then working it harder, faster, watching as he coaxes oozing dribbles of precome from the slit. "Want it real bad, huh?" he asks, and Jensen can only nod, groaning in the back of his throat as Jared runs a slick thumb around the crown of Jensen's cock. He's loath to let go, to miss anything, any face or sound Jensen makes. "Don't touch 'til I get back, okay? Gotta get stuff."

He fumbles in the medicine cabinet for the unopened box of condoms and the lube, picturing Jensen spread out under him, cock in his hand, even when he's trying to focus on getting the right tube.

"C'mon," Jensen says again, and Jared can't help but hear it like a sweet little beg. He holds his dick in one hand on his way back so it doesn't smack around and make him look like too much of a dork.

"Got it." He takes one long look at Jensen before sliding back between his spread knees, shifting forward until Jensen's thighs rest on top of Jared's. "Fuck, I can't believe this is happening."

"Please," Jensen says, and Jared almost loses it right there.

"Gotta tell me if I'm doin' okay, Jensen," Jared says, and starts lubing up his fingers, Jensen's pink little hole, trying to do it just like he's seen in porn.

"Just—oh god—just fine." Jared's working a fingertip at Jensen's hole nice and slow, pushing in and pulling back out a little at a time, lube in hand. Jensen spreads his legs wider, tilts his hips up and whimpers some as Jared's finger slides in deeper.

Jensen takes two more fingers, twisting on the bed, panting and moaning and drawing a leg up to grip tight under his thigh, leaving him spread open and wet with lube for Jared. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon," he says, a litany as Jared fumbles trying to get the condom on, stretching it over the too-thick head of his dick, rolling it awkwardly as far down the fat shaft as it can go.

"Sorry, just—the condom's—"

Jensen laughs breathlessly, head thrown back on the pillow. "Jesus. Should've known."

A too-small condom's better than none at all, so Jared leans forward, shoulder under one of Jensen's knees, head of his cock pressing at Jensen's lubed-up hole. "Okay?"

"Jared—yeah. C'mon—" Jensen looks up, eyes wide and wet, and licks at his lips.

Jared pushes in, so slow, and god—it's perfect. It's hard to get the head of his dick all the way in, partially just because it's big and Jensen's so tight, but also because he can't even focus on what he should be doing when Jensen's around him like this, under him, real and here and being everything Jared's been wanting all year, everything Jared's ever going to want. He could do this for the rest of his life.

He finally shoves the head in completely, Jensen panting and urging him on, rocking his hips. He sits for a second, counts to ten and then again backwards, trying not to come as he feels the tight heat in his balls, pulling up his back. "So fucking hot, Jensen," he says, words coming unbidden. He can't help it, he just—has to say it. "You're so amazing. So tight and feel so good around me, fuck, just wanna—" he cuts himself off, embarrassed, and tightens his hands around Jensen's hips, instead, leaning down to kiss Jensen as he pumps slowly in and out, every muscle in his body shivering with how good, how hot, how tight Jensen is.

Jensen pulls Jared in with the leg wrapped around his waist, tongues Jared's mouth deep and dirty, moaning in the back of his throat as Jared picks up the pace. Sweat drips over their skin, and Jared can't stop the stupid grunts that come whenever he bottoms out in Jensen, the crazy, desperate urge to just fuck faster, harder, more. He can't last long, knows he can't, Jensen's everything he's been jerking off to for what feels like forever.

Reaching a hand down, Jared feels where he's disappearing inside Jensen, the twitching skin, how thin and hot it is to the touch, how sloppy with lube. "Christ," Jensen pants, putting a hand down with Jared's, squeezing his eyes shut and writhing like it's involuntary, like he's just losing all control and handing it squarely over to Jared. "Fuck me, Jared."

That's all it takes. Jared presses his forehead to Jensen's and breathes into his mouth as his hips snap erratically, skin slapping against skin, his balls tightening and his back curling as he feels the rush through his hips, up his spine, burning him up inside. "Coming," he manages, nothing more than a gasp of breath. "Jensen, oh god—Jensen—"

It's a release like nothing he's ever felt. His dick pumps inside Jensen's ass, slit working around the fat wads of spunk under the latex, and Jared dumps his load into the condom. He's still thrusting, still feeling it spin through him as he whines and clutches at Jensen's slick skin, so much jizz spurting out that it's filling the tip of the condom and pushing back over the thin skin of his shaft, slimy and hot against him as he moves deep and hard in Jensen. Jensen's staring right back at him, and the feeling that bursts through his chest right then is—beyond explanation.

He grabs at Jensen's dick and works it fast, fingers slick with lube and sweat, and it hardly takes anything at all for Jensen to keen and clutch at Jared's shoulders, eyes slamming shut and body tensing as his hips shove up into Jared's hand, dick swelling and pumping and shooting thick strings of jizz all over Jared's arm and stomach where he's bent over Jensen's body, still hard inside of him. Jensen's hole clenches around Jared's dick, his hands tighten, his whole body shuddering.

"Holy shit," Jensen says, heaving and sweating and gazing up at Jared as soon as he catches his breath. "First time, huh?"

"Beginner's luck, I guess," Jared says, grinning. He pinches the bottom of the condom and pulls out with an obscene noise. He gets the thing off without too much struggle, Jensen just watching him with wide, liquid eyes. "So—okay?"

Jensen rolls his eyes and grabs Jared's hand, yanking him back into the bed. "You're not leaving here for the rest of the night. And not because you need more practice."

Jared feels it deep in his bones when Jensen kisses him then, smiling broad and genuine into it. He wants this every single day for the rest of his life. The gravity of that isn't lost on him, and even after Jensen rides him to another spectacular orgasm that night, he ends up lying awake when Jensen's sleeping.

*

They get picked up for a second season. Jared answers the call from his agent when he's sitting on Jensen's couch, and a mix of elation and anxiety sweep over him in thick waves. He jumps up, runs into Jensen's kitchen, and whoops like a crazy person while grabbing Jensen around the ribs and hefting him bodily up into the air.

"I don't know why they always say dating your costar is bad," Jensen says, laughing breathlessly and smacking Jared hard on the back when his feet are finally on the ground again. "I think it's amazing. As far as I'm concerned, dating you is the best idea I ever had."

Jared's chest swells and he gets all dizzy, so he clutches Jensen tighter as he tips his head down for a deep, hungry victory kiss, which Jensen feeds back to him threefold.

He's so in love with Jensen it hurts. It's the kind of love his parents have. The growing-old love. 'Til-death-do-you-part. It's dedication, and it's being happier together than they ever could be apart.

Not that they'll ever be apart. Jared's not going to fuck this up.

*

SPN!

2009-10-09T19:57:08Z

OH MY GOD.

OH.

MY FUCKING.

GOD.

I CANNOT EVEN. BEGIN. TO EXPLAIN. THE EPIC TOWERING AMOUNTS OF HYSTERICAL SQUEE. THAT WERE ISSUING FROM ME LAST NIGHT.

OH.

MY.

FUCKING.

GOD.

OSINGKWSOGISNDGPWSINKMDPGOMWESPGNIPSIGPXINGMSWPIHMSPXHIBMEDPHGDKHPOWSMGPDXMHPSHISPDGMDPHISPHPDCHKFPHBMSGPWSGPOGMPWSHGPSG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111wdfwesgywsdhsdh

First of all, I got to see the episode at my sister’s house in Denver on the eve of WinCon, and I GOT TO SEE IT WITH lazy_daze!!!! I DO NOT EVEN KNOW, PEOPLE. BEST EVER. We were beating each other senseless with joy.

I knew which episode this was going to be, and therefore assumed it would be a majority-humour one, so I was a little disappointed that we wouldn’t be together for a heavy-hitting, emotionally satisfying episode.

BUT THEN IT WAS ONE. I AM JUST. I DON’T EVEN. OH MY GOD DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?

Besides the fact that Sam Winchester was the MOST BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING ALIVE and was in MEDICAL SCRUBS AND LATEX GLOVES AND HIS BIG GORGOEUS BULGING VEINY ARMS AND THE FACT THAT HE WAS BASICALLY FISTING SOMETHING AND HAD A SCALPEL OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD SCREAM DYING OH GOD. My insane medical kink is WORKING IN OVERDRIVE.

BUT MORE THAN THAT! He also actually STOOD UP FOR HIMSELF! He and Dean actually SPOKE TO EACH OTHER like rational adults, and Dean actually AGREED WITH SAM’S MANY AND VARIED VALID POINTS. That Dean has been treating Sam like a little kid, that he’s been bossing him around and blaming him where blame was not due and punishing him inappropriately and refusing to share the responsibility and duties of the job and not thinking of him as an equal. And Dean AGREED WITH HIM. He said the apocalypse WASN’T ENTIRELY SAM’S FAULT! They were BOTH key in the whole thing, that NO ONE THOUGHT KILLING LILITH WAS A BAD THING. God, it was the most VALIDATING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED ON SPN. I have been screaming this stuff at the screen for like over a season and a half now, and FINALLY Dean is acknowledging it and Sam is owning it and fighting for it and telling Dean that hey, it’s not okay that Dean was treating him so badly that Sam had to run away with Ruby to feel like a worthwhile person. BUT! HE WAS STILL AMAZING AND FAIR! He didn't try to absolve himself of the blame he thought he deserved, he is still punishing himself and always will be, because he is SAM FUCKING WINCHESTER, and he is a SCHMOO. He made sure he told Dean that Dean didn't know about the first seal, that it wasn't his fault. GOD. FUCKING FUCK. I AM GOING TO EXPLODE RIGHT NOW, I AM SO FUCKING ECSTATIC.

GOD THIS EPISODE.

I AM STILL PEEING WITH JOY OVER IT. SAM SPEAKING SPANISH OH HOLY GOD *__________*! And let’s not even GO INTO the D/s ramifications of the fact that Sam was chafing under Dean’s lead. That he needs to be able to call the shots, too. UNF UNF UNF.

Also, Paris Hilton was actually sort of awesome. :D! And the House of Wax line!! I DIED AND SCREAMED. I loved it! GENIUS USE OF TOTAL CHEESE.

I don’t know, I feel like I’ve missed a billion things, but I am in the Business Center at WinCon and not thinking straight and still dying of amazingness. <3333! GOD I LOVE THIS. SAM GOT TO DRIVE. HE ALMOST GRABBED DEAN’S HAND. HE WORE A LITTLE GREY T-SHIRT AND ALMOST KILLED ME. DEAN HAS A PC. UNF UNF UNF YESSSSSSS.

I ACTUALLY ALMOST CRIED IN RE: SAM'S REVERENCE FOR GANDHI. OH MY GOD. D: SO AMAZING. SO FUCKING AMAZING. TEARS!!!!

GOD I AM SO INCOHERENT WITH GLEE OASGINWOTIGNDOIWNGOIWTNGSPINTWQG)DNJW)FEIDNG)QWITNSD)GISG ASGOINLKAFAOSFINLASFNSOGN FUCK I LOVE YOU, SUPERNATURAL.

I LOVE THE UNIVERSE TODAY.

SPN!

2009-10-02T02:10:45Z

FIRST OF ALL. UNRELATED TO THE ACTUAL EPISODE. I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE WANTED TO SMASH SKULLS MORE THAN I DO RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. I was in the house all alone, enjoying SPN on the big TV downstairs with my customary pizza and nice BIG margarita. I was ho-humming my way through most of the episode, as the general Dean-in-the-future thing didn't really turn my crank too hard, but then OH MY GOD FINALLY! THE ENDING! IN ITS TOTAL EPICNESS!! ...and WHEN SHOULD MY LAME STUPID ROOMMATE COME HOME WITH A LAME STUPID GIRL AND HER LAME STUPID SCREAMING CHILD??? RIGHT AT THE FUCKING SOGINEKHODIN EMOTIONAL RESOLUTION OF THE WHOLE FUCKING EPISODE, WHEN SAM AND DEAN ARE MANFULLY HOLDING BACK TEARS AND ABOUT TO JUMP EACH OTHER'S BONES NEXT TO THE BRIDGE OF EPIC MANPAIN. D: D: D: So I missed a bunch of lines from that scene and I am pretty much ready to KILL SOMEONE.

Anyway oadsinhlkmgjoepdfinmk oh my god oh my god oh my god *___*! I love that Sam would call Dean after the Lucifer thing and ACTUALLY TELL HIM ABOUT IT. AMAZING. GOD I LOVE IT WHEN THEY ACTUALLY TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT SHIT. It is such a rare and beautiful thing after last season. I am a little annoyed at Dean for not telling Sam about his trip to the past at the end, but oh well. IN GENERAL, THEY ARE TALKING AND BEING HONEST AND IT IS AMAZING. Also I was practically CHEERING when Dean said they had to stay apart at the beginning, which I was REALLY NOT EXPECTING TO ENJOY, but he was doing it for all the right reasons and even USED THE WORD "LOVE" AND I PRACTICALLY PEED MYSELF WITH JOY. And his sad little FACE when Future Dean told him he hadn't talked to Sam and that he died oadsginfhofinh oh my god oh my god DEAN YOUR TEARY LITTLE EYES. AND THEN HIS TEARY LITTLE EYES AGAIN WHEN HE WAS TALKING TO LUCIFER IN SAM'S BODY. THIS IS WHAT I LOVE. And then at the end sodgindkflhh DAMN STRAIGHT YOU KEEP EACH OTHER HUMAN, DEAN. I loved it. I love love love that he acknowledged that they BOTH needed to be kept human. That he made enormous gross mistakes in the future just like Sam did. AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING. Slightly tired of Dean's epic emotional monologues, especially after having been subject to that GODDAMN BATMAN VOICE FOR AN ENTIRE EPISODE STRAIGHT WITH NO BREAKS BECAUSE HE KEPT FUCKING TALKING TO HIMSELF, but the general gist was lovely and amazing and I am happy they are super amazingly in love <33333! YAY BOYS.

SPEAKING OF YAY. JARED PADALECKI. UNF UNF UNF UNF UNF JARED IN THAT WHITE SUIT WORKIN' HIS LUCIFER MOJO OH JESUS SOGINWKETGDOINH TAKE ME NOW SOGINWKDOHINfkmsdgfkheeadsHfdg. GORGEOUS AMAZING SERENE BEAUTIFUL PERFECTION. SCREAM THERE ARE NO WORDS. *__________*!!!!!q2wedrf I want eighty trillion fics, please.

And SPEAKING OF WANTING EIGHTY TRILLION FICS. YOU KNOW I COULDN'T IGNORE IT...DEAN WEARING PANTIES AND LOVING IT. IS FUCKING. CANON. I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY. PURE. UNADULTERATED. PERFECTION. GOD I JUST WANT TO ROLL AND CRY WITH GLEE AND READ FIC UNTIL MY EYEBALLS FALL OUT. PINK AND SATINY. SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM. IS THIS REAL LIFE????????

SPIDGNKLWtsdg0phzfikmlgS:OIGLKMWTSDGOILKGSIOTKLwespoidrgkmLWSYHDOINLKMWTIOsldkmhOdgkmlfzjrhoi:GTLWKMT!!!!!!!!!!!@Qwedfg

I feel like I should have lots of deep meta about Sam and Dean's relationship and how they really ARE better together and how they both turned into monsters without each other but just. I DON'T KNOW MY BRAIN IS MUSH. I WANT TO REWATCH IMMEDIATELY AND ROLL IN THEIR EPIC INCESTY LOVE.

Oh, and I thought the Watchmen set was cool and very recognizable, and I thought Castiel turning into Misha in the future was sort of weird an unnecessary. :D! JUST FOR THE RECORD. Also just for the record, I have no idea what the Croatoan virus had to do with anything. I mean. Was that Lucifer who did that? The demons? I can't even remember. And WHY? What good does that do anyone? Why couldn't Lucifer just snap and all the lame people would be gone? If it was the demons, was it just to...randomly create chaos for no reason, I guess? DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Whatever, SPN. I don't even care about your "plot" anymore, because it is so higgledly-piggledy and never makes any sense. LUCKILY I DO NOT WATCH FOR THE SOGINLKDHOIN PLOT.

SO YEAH. *___*! SAM AND DEAN TOGETHER AGAIN. YESSSSSSSS GOD THAT WASN'T LONG AT ALL!!! I WAS DREADING SO MUCH THEM BEING APART AND MISTRUSTFUL AND BLAH FOR WAY LONGER!!! YAAAAY!

PEE ESS I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THE PANTIES. I WILL DIE HAPPY.

How is it past 6.30??

2009-09-27T22:43:43Z

Hello, world. odsgndkjlfgj I meant to post last week before 5.03 to keep up my promise to post more, but I didn't. This getting back into the posting groove thing is hard! I will do it in numbered steps for easy access. And how we all love easy access...

1) COME PARTICIPATE IN spn_j2_xmas, EVERYONE! I have been meaning to pimp this for a while, but no posting = no pimping! Anyway, I am helping to mod it this year, so come sign up and give me lots of work to do <333! I hope we can beat last year's number! That would be awesome! I know it's hard to think up prompts, but remember, if you can't think of anything specific you want, you don't have to make prompts! You can just talk about the general things you like and dislike and the person writing your gift could surprise you. As Colin Ford would say on his twitter, fun fun!

2) Speaking of Colin Ford's Twitter! AMAZING. He is so adorable I am possibly going to explode. Also he posted this amazing picture:

which I have seen around. OH MAN. MAKES MY TEETH HURT! :D!

3) I want to rec an AMAZING SAM/DEAN VID I saw recently! In Your Room, by bionic, to the song by Depeche Mode. Really well edited, I thought, plus I really love the song and it worked well and had a great mood.

4) I have gotten a bunch of STUFF lately! I am sure you care deeply, but I feel like taking pictures anyway. I also did that HANDWRITING MEME, crazy I know! I never do memes ever! But I got tagged and I felt like it, so. :D!

My handwriting! I AM A LEFTY! ROCKIN'! Yes, that is a cow there on the bottom of the page. I wanted to take a pic that showed my notebook. CUTE.

I ordered a present for lazy_daze from an Etsy seller, and because of a big shipping mishap, she sent me free earrings! I love them!

I got two purses at Goodwill the other week. I have gotten SO MANY RANDOM COMPLIMENTS on this one!! Crazy! I do love it. I feel like it is something Lorelai Gilmore would have. It is my Purse Of The Moment.

RHINESTONES!

This is the other Goodwill purse. It still has the tag on! SO CUTE.

Becka bought me this ADORABLE INDIE COMIC ABOUT A RATTIE. *_*!

It is officially the MOST ADORABLE EVER. She took me to the Small Press Expo today and it was awesome and I had a really good time looking at all the neat-o comics, but I was sad I am not rich because I wanted to buy EVERYTHING. :(

5) Posting that picture of my earrings (earring, really...) reminds me that I AM SO FED UP WITH MY HAIR. I have been meaning to dye it for MONTHS now, but I have not had the cash to get it done professionally, and I am scared of doing it myself. Plus it was super-short and now I am DYING for it to be long again, so it is in that horrible shapeless awkward mid-length stage that I HATE. UGH SO FRUSTRATED WITH IT. FUCK OFF, HAIR.

6) I am also frustrated and annoyed at my roommates yet again. >:( There is this creepy old guy who lives in my basement, and I have to go down there to do my laundry. That's annoying because it means I can't do my laundry at 3 AM when I most enjoy doing it, but it also means I have to see the creepy old guy when I do go down there. And I CAUGHT HIM SMOKING DOWN THERE THE OTHER DAY!!!! Which explains why sometimes my room suddenly FILLS with the smell of cigarette smoke at random times of the day. I think it's because Frank-in-the-basement lights up down there and then it goes up the vents straight into my room. DO. NOT. WANT. I am totally cool with him smoking outside, we even have a patio thingy he could use! But there are no smoking signs ALL OVER THIS HOUSE, the owner specifically says we are not to smoke inside, and I don't think it's fair that when he disobeys, I am the one who suffers. D: I am so not into confrontation, though. I am scared to tell him I know he's smoking when he isn't supposed to.

7) Also in RL news, I found a whole stack of old Pokemon card theme decks when I was moving. I KNOW, I KNOW, I WAS A COMPLETE AND UTTER UNBEARABLE DORK AS A CHILD! ("Only as a child?" I hear you say...) However, it is going to SERVE ME WELL. Because I looked them up online and EACH BOX GOES FOR $80 NOW!! Apparently I have a really rare run of cards because I bought them right when they first came out a billion years ago. :O! EXCITING! So now I have to figure out how to use Ebay so I can sell them and get that money. Oh man, I have FIVE DECKS OF THEM, so that is a nice chunk of change! \o/! I also have some nice unused sheet sets still in the packages I can sell, and an old duvet and stuff. Who knows when I will actually find the time to get this stuff sold, though.

8) I went to a play party with nicotinedesire last weekend that I really want to make a post about! I think I may do that. It was REALLY INTERESTING. I am looking forward to going to another one and getting to know the people in the DC scene. :D! I enjoyed myself immensely even though I was mostly just wandering around staring at people. I also did a lot of thinking about fic and blindfold_spn. HAH.

9) I have trypophobia to some degree (I am disgusted by clusters of holes!), and the other day I saw

on my flist and OH GOD IT MADE MY SCALP TINGLE SO BAD. :(( I know it's just a necklace but IT LOOKS LIKE HOLES IN HER FLESH, OKAY? The whole point of the ad is totally lost on me because all I can think about is how much it reminds me of (DON'T CLICK THIS LINK, IT IS DISGUSTING) Lotus Breast and how SCARRED FOR LIFE I was by that. UGH I AM SHIVERY ALL OVER RIGHT NOW BLECK BLECK BLECK GROSSSSSS.

10) To end on a POSITIVE NOTE: OH MY GOD I KNOW EVERYONE HAS SAID IT ALREADY BUT I FUCKING LOVE GLEE!!! SO AMAZING. I can't even pick out my favourite character because I love them all so much. KURT MADE ME CRY A LOT. *_*! Also oadisngskfhd Zachariah basically being Zachariah on it sdoihndfkh was pretty bad-ass. :D!

SPN!

2009-09-25T02:19:07Z

OH MY HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!

I DO NOT. EVEN FUCKING KNOW. WHAT TO SAY.

That was simultaneously the BEST and WORST thing I have EVER SEEN. I literally sobbed (like, sudden loud vocal crying! which is crazy because I NEVER cry at SPN) when Dean said he was good and having more fun with Castiel than he had ever had with Sam. BUT I WAS SCREECHING WITH INSANE DELIGHT THROUGH PRETTY MUCH EVERY SINGLE SCENE WHERE SAM WAS A) BEAUTIFUL B) ACTUALLY GETTING CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND PLOT C) BEING INTEGRAL TO THE MYTHARC AND D) CRYING.

OH MY GOD I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO TORN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. There was so much I didn't like, and so much that was painful, about Dean's arc and his emotions and his relationship with Castiel and his HUGE HUGE DENIAL (because it IS denial, it isn't that he doesn't miss Sam, I am trying SO HARD to convince myself) and the general angel plot and ~GOD~ stuff. Which is too bad, because THERE WAS A BROTHEL. THERE WERE HOOKERS. JENSEN ACKLES WAS IN A CATHOUSE. But I couldn't really enjoy it because I was eyerolling pretty hard. I mean. It's clear that Castiel's entire characterisation and development from here on out is going to be DIRECTLY lifted from fandom. Which is a shame. I thought the Raphael stuff was sort of anti-climactic, too, and that a lot of the dialogue was even more forced and strained and un-funny than usual. It is entirely possible it's just because the whole situation seems forced? I DON'T KNOW. I AM RAMBLING AT THIS POINT. Dean was RIDICULOUSLY beautiful, I have no idea what they did to Jensen in this episode but he was GLOWING. The montage at the beginning was KICKASS. As was Dean's little SADFACE when he got back in the car after the whorehouse. THEN BERT AND ERNIE!!! I have a POSTER of Bert and Ernie being gay, no lie. Also, let's not even go into how hard I was lolzing when Dean mentioned ABSENT FATHERS being the backbone of the business. OH REALLY, DEAN?? YOU WOULD KNOW, WOULDN'T YOU. ABSENT FATHERS, HUH??

BUT YEAH HOLY SHIT SAM WINCHESTER. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. I WAS DROOLING AND HANGING ON EVERY SECOND OF SCREENTIME AND EVERY SECOND OF DELICIOUS CHARACTER INSIGHT AND OH MY GOD JARED PADALECKI'S FUCKING GORGEOUS, UNREAL BODY. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE A FUCKING HEART ATTACK. THERE ARE NO WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE FOR HIM.

FUCK.

AND SOGINLKWGTOINGKSDOHINK JESS OH MY GOD I SQUEALED AND ROLLED AND FLAILED AND HAD A MASSIVE FIT. GOD IT WAS SO PERFECT AND SHE WAS SO AMAZING AND FUCKING BEAUTIFUL UGH UGH UGH MY GIRL ANNIE AND SOGINKDGOINWKSGOIDSNGOSINGKDOINLHGKOSGIN LUCIFER AND SAM IS LUCIFER'S VESSEL AND OH MY GOD MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE IT ACTUALLY WILL MAKE SENSE OH MY GOD SAMMY SAMMY SOIGNKMDOHINDOG CRYING!!!!!! HE CRIED SO MUCH AND I JUST. MY POOR HEART SHATTERED FOR HIM JUST LIKE LUCIFER'S. FUCK I LOVE LUCIFERSODGIMKDGOINDGKLMHOINYKLWS SO PERFECT AND SOFT AND SWEET BUT POWERFUL AND AMAZING OH MY GOODDDDD SAMMYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!q2wedfgbhesrdfhdgsdrffdhsdg I HAVE NOTHING BUT GIBBERING INCOHERENCE. NOTHING. I AM A TOTAL MESS.

GOD I CANNOT GET OVER IT I WANT TO ROLL AROUND IN THIS FEELING FOREVER. I DON'T EVEN MIND CASTIEL SITTING IN SAM'S SEAT IN THE IMPALA SO MUCH WHEN I THINK ABOUT ~KEITH~ AND THE HUNTERS AND SAM'S BLOODY FACE AND HIS HUGE MAN-BEAST MUSCLES IN THAT SHIRT AND LINDSA/EY AND THE DARTS AND HIS SOGINKLWGSIONG EARS AND HIS HAIR AND HIS TATTOO AND HIS GODDAMN PECS.

I AM ROLLING FOREVER.

SPN!

2009-09-18T02:23:32Z

First of all, can I just say, I am going to have Spirit in the Sky stuck in my head for the rest of my life!! I have never been a huge fan of that song but HAY AT LEAST THEY'RE GETTING SOME MUSIC IN THESE EPS AGAIN!

I am focusing on this because I pretty much need to think about the little things so I don't cry and rip my hair out and roll around painfully on the floor forever after the ending of that episode. :(((( I am just. I know, I KNOW this is all because they're going to come back together later better than ever (oh please god let that be why) but it is really, really upsetting in the meantime. And honestly I just do not understand why Dean would think it would be a good idea to LEAVE SAM at this point, when Sam needs him MORE THAN HE HAS EVER NEEDED HIM. EVER. IN HIS LIFE. I just am horrified. :( I love Dean SO MUCH and I am so angry that the writers would make him do something that I really consider pretty horribly awful. I get that Dean is ~changing~ or whatever, as shown by him staying with the townspeople instead of going to save Sam, valuing the many over the one (Sam), but I am really really unhappy about it. :( I don't like who Dean is turning into, and I just. I hope they fix it before too long. I was so upset by last season for basically this exact reason, except now it's even worse than it was before. Luckily I'm more used to it now, but I'm still. Yeah. I am undeniably sad about it. I miss them. Sam being alone is a horrible idea. I know he thinks it's best to let Dean do his thing and go his own way and stay out of trouble, but I think he is wrong and Dean agreeing with him is even MORE WRONG. Even if he did offer the car. siodngdoihn D: D: D:

GOD, BOYS, JUST FIX IT!! MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THIS! I GUESS I AM SUPPOSED TO BE AS DEVASTATED AS THEY ARE BUT LIKE. WE WERE ALREADY AT ROCK BOTTOM. WE DON'T NEED TO DIG ANY DEEPER. WHY ARE WE SPLITTING THEM APART WHEN WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPERGLUING THEM TOGETHER.

Okay, okay, moving on now! Not thinking about that anymore! Let's talk about other stuff! OH RIGHT AHAHAHA I acutally said "LOL!!!!!!!!!!" out loud, shouting it to the emptiness of my room, when Castiel said "...God." I just. Oh my fucking christ. Are you SHITTING ME? This is possibly the stupidest thing ever. The only acceptable part of the whole angel mytharc was that there wasn't actually ~God~. They could just be another supernatural creature that THOUGHT the Judeo-Christian mythology was the be-all, end-all, when really they were just another part of the monsters/ghosts/demons paradigm. OH WELL, GUESS MY TENUOUS GRASP ON THAT IS GONE NOW. I have no idea what the hell to think anymore!!! Maybe they will surprise me?? :/

WANTED TO CRY WHEN DEAN TOOK OFF HIS AMULET. :( I GUESS THEY WERE FORESHADOWING THE ENDING? sodingdfhoing I was so horrified. I cannot believe that Cas has the amulet that baby Sammy gave Dean. :((((( And that it OH SO CONVENIENTLY sdoingdsohin BURNS when GOD IS NEAR. I'm sorry. I just. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA. I don't even believe it ahahahaha. I will instead think about the ridiculously neat bone carvings Sam and Dean have on their ribs. I WANT AN ICON OF THAT X-RAY. Ahahaha send that baby straight to House for a look-see, since Dean's chest looks weirdly upside-down in it...:D!

THIS ALL MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I HATED THE EPISODE! Which I didn't really! I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT JO AND ELLEN AND RUFUS!! OMFG BAD-ASS AND AWESOME. ALSO THE GUY THEY GOT TO PLAY WAR WAS FUCKING AMAAAAAAAAAAZING. I actually quite liked the whole arc of it! And Sam getting tied up and exorcised when he wasn't demony! OH MY GOD MY WHOLE MOUTH WANTED TO FALL OFF WHEN THEY POURED THE SALT OH MY GOD POOR SAMMY SOGINksrhofidnlkmh. THAT WAS AMAZING BUT AWFUL. ALL THE AMAZING SAM-TIME IN GENERAL OH MY GODDDDD BEST BEST BEST I WANT TO ROLL IN HIS BEAUTIFUL AMAZING EMOTING FOREVER AND EVERRRRR. PLUS ALL THESE AWESOME CHARACTERS I LOVE WITH BLACK EYES! GOD SO SO SO COOL.

However. As far as the plot? Demons frequently don't have black eyes. :/ Why does everyone suddenly believe no one's a demon when they lose the black eyes? Also WHAT THE FUCK was up with WAR using a RING to control shit...like...he's WAR!! Is it because he's impersonating a dude that he needs some other object to do stuff? I mean, it's not a meatsuit (since the guy was dead in a ditch), so maybe if he looks like a person he has to have a ring to do War-ish things? WHY WOULD A HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE NEED A RING. SINCE DEAN HAS IT NOW, DOES THAT MEAN ALL WARS HAVE STOPPED? IDEK, PEOPLE.

ANYWAY. IN CONCLUSION: SAM'S BEAUTIFUL FACE WHEN KILLING THE DEMONS AND GOING CRAZY OVER THEIR BLOOD. THAT IS WHAT I WILL THINK ABOUT FOREVER.

I am actively NOT TALKING ABOUT THE PROMO FOR NEXT WEEK. I have many emotions but I will put them in another post at some point.

Siddown you're rockin' the boat!

2009-09-15T01:20:47Z

So when I was on the metro home today, an ANGEL TRIED TO SPEAK TO US. AHAHA. I mean, okay, actually it was just the most horrifying feedback I've ever heard in my life, but it was seriously SO BAD that it made my entire head ring and I could feel my eardrums vibrating and I thought I'd go INSANE if it lasted ONE MOMENT LONGER. Everyone in my car was crouched down in their seats with their hands over their ears, and I was so hilariously prepared for the windows to shatter in, I am not even kidding, ahaha.

I have had a VERY EVENTFUL SEVERAL DAYS. Not anything particularly exciting, just a million different things going on and no time to actually finish anything that needs to get done. I went over to rewatch 501 with auroradream on Friday night! WHICH actually came at a really great time, because my crazy Kenyan roommate, Dennis, wanted me to go to the airport to pick up his friend. I do not know Dennis, and also he probably stole my cake flour, and I REALLY do not know his strange friend, and also there are only two seats in my car due to the stuff I am storing in the back and just. Yeah. No. Like hell I'm going to let Dennis drive my car. THAT WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. But I didn't want to be mean and just laugh in his face, so I was just like. I AM NOT GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT WHOOPS SORRY. Luckily, I then actually was not here! YAY.

SO during my rewatch, I had some more thoughts! First of all, HOW THE HELL DID BOBBY LET HIMSELF GET POSSESSED. Slack, Bobby. Really slack. I am also having major headaches trying to figure out how it is that Dean is Michael's vessel when Sam just happens to be Azazel's chosen one. Like. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?? Do these things RUN IN FAMILIES? Is it a GENETIC TRAIT to be a supernatural Chosen One?? This is ridiculous! I hope they give us a real reason for Dean's swordliness and not just because.

I don't think I mentioned it, but on Thursday I also watched The Vampire Diaries! To which my main response was MIA FROM DEGRASSI LOLOLOL OMFG ARE YOU SERIOUS? THE CW IS OFFICIALLY WHERE DEGRASSI STARS GO TO DIE. I also laughed at the opening scene, which was basically EXACTLY like the Dead Man's Blood vampire roadkill scene. Have some originality, guys. :/ Also ahaha lots of amazing incest and threesome potentials, and also some really interesting supporting characters! I think I might actually keep watching this, though probably downloading it rather than tainting my Thursday night televiewing experience with not-SPN.

So anyway! Then on Saturday I spent the day with my girl beckaandzac at the mall. She got a gorgeous dress for the WinCon Prom, and I tried on a bunch of clothes for the hell of it and pined because I have no money and can't afford to buy myself FOOD, let alone clothes I don't technically need in order to survive. AND YET! I then proceeded to buy myself a new duvet and duvet cover and pillow shams sodgindkfh because I have been desperately been needing them ever since I moved in. The disgusting comforter that came on the bed was DEPRESSING ME. I was SAD EVERY DAY BECAUSE IT WAS SO GROSS. I think I deserved some new bedding. :( Man, I love bedding. I wish it weren't so heinously expensive, though! Luckily Macy's was having their One Day Sale so I got the king-sized down duvet for $41 (!!!!!!) and the sheet/cover set for $70. They are AMAZING. Not fancy or all that interesting, but infinitely better than the old crap. I should take pictures, but there are piles of junk on my bed right now because I am trying to finish unpacking.

I DO HAVE A QUESTION, THOUGH! A semantics question. What do you call the down thing you put on a bed that you sleep under and snuggle up in?

View Poll: That Thing On Your Bed!

I think I have deduced that Americans Are Weird, as usual, and do not call them a duvet and duvet cover like everyone else in the world.

SO YEAH. ANYWAY. Becka and I went to have sushi with her friends, which was SO YUMMY, and then we came back to my place to put my new bedding on my bed and give it a go. :D I have this crazy anal attitude towards my bedding, though, where I always want it to be TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SPOTLESSLY CLEAN. Like, I wanted to wash the new stuff and the fitted sheet and pillowcases I already had so I could put it all on clean. I make people wash their feet before getting in my bed. Nothing can touch the underside of the duvet or the fitted sheet that is not sleepwear. I AM JUST PARTICULAR, OKAY. :(( Does anybody else have weirdo crazy idiosyncratic crap like that?? AM I ALONE IN THE WORLD? TELL ME YOU REFUSE TO TAKE A SHOWER WITHOUT PUTTING A TOWEL OVER THE MIRROR OR THAT YOU CAN'T DRIVE YOUR CAR WITHOUT TAKING YOUR SHOES OFF FIRST OR THAT YOU SOAK YOUR FLIP-FLOPS IN SOAPY WATER AFTER YOU GET HOME FROM WORK, PLEASE? (Those are not all things that I do, but I know people who do them!)

Anyway. So it was all very well and good until there was a knock on the door at SEVEN AM on Sunday morning. And we were like WTF? And it turned out to be Dennis's Kenyan friend he'd wanted me to go pick up on Friday, BARGING INTO OUR PEACEFUL SLUMBER. :( LAME. I had no idea who he was or anything, and Becka and I were like o.O??? as he asked me plaintively if I could drive Dennis's rental car back to where they got it, because he (Dennis's friend) was STILL DRUNK and could not do it himself. So because I am TRULY A SAINT, Becka and I ended up tumbling out of bed at an unholy hour and driving to the mall and sitting around on the sidewalk for half an hour while Dennis's friend disappeared and was basically just batshit crazy. We all had to take a cab back to my house, and Dennis's friend said he'd take us to breakfast to repay us, which was very nice. So I drove us to breakfast in my car after having to put the back seat back up, and we finally found out Dennis's friend's name and had lots of awkward conversation over our omelettes. :/ YEAH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW. We got back at like 10 AM and Becka and I spent the rest of the day in bed. HAH. TAKE THAT, WORLD. I REFUSE TO BE PRODUCTIVE WHEN I HAVE TO GET UP AT 7 AM ON A SUNDAY. It's just wrong.

Also, :(( Patrick Swayze. RIP, man. RIP.

SUPERNATURAL SEASON FIVE PREMIERE.

2009-09-11T02:25:44Z

WOW. HOLY SHIT. THAT WAS A FUCKING...THAT WAS FUCKING SOMETHING, IS WHAT THAT WAS.

Where do I even start!! It was like. I DON'T EVEN KNOW, THAT FELT LIKE FIVE HOURS LONG. IN A GOOD WAY. SAM AND DEAN ARE BACK AND MORE GORGEOUS THAN EVERRRR. ALSO THAT IS A FUCKING COOL NEW TITLE CARD!

siodngkdfhdoirhkdfh I am like. I am MASSIVELY IN LOVE with Nick and the set-up for the Lucifer possession. Not gonna lie, I was hung up for a little bit on why it is that Lucifer and Michael and everyone even NEED vessels. Like, I thought the point of vessels was so people could interact with them without exploding when they saw/heard them. WHY DO THEY NEED VESSELS TO FIGHT EACH OTHER? THAT SEEMS REALLY WEIRD. But anyway, DISCOUNTING THAT QUALM, OH MY GOOOOOOD I LOVE HOW THEY DID IT. AND THE BABY MONITOR AND BLEEDING CRIB THING WAS GENUINELY CREEPY IN THIS AMAZING GROSS WAY AND MY HEART FUCKING BROKE FOR NICK OH MY GOD OH MY GOD AND LUCIFER COMING TO HIM AS HIS MURDERED WIFE AND JUST. WOW. WOW. WOW. I AM. OH MAN. OH MAN THAT PUNCHED ME IN THE GUT. HE NEEDED JUSTICE BECAUSE HE WAS HOPELESS AND JUST IDEK IDEK. That was fucking amazing and both Paul-from-Dexter and the day player chick were AMAZING. AMAAAAAZING. MAN. MAN THEY HIT THE JACKPOT. THAT WAS FUCKING STELLAR. I may actually have teared up. YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING. I also have had a LOT OF RUM, SO. There's that.

Anyway, yeah. That was pretty much THE BEST THING ABOUT THE ENTIRE EPISODE, besides Sam Winchester's beautiful guilty self-loathing face that just odsingskg UNF made me want Dean to HOLD HIM AND SNUFFLE HIM AND KISS HIM LOVINGLY ALL OVER.

...which, uh. Reminds me of SAMLICKER81. I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I WAS HORRIFIED. I WANTED TO VOM. But I also practically peed myself when she was like, "You're...not what I expected." OH MAN. BUUUUURN, SAMGIRL. BURN! sdildkfhd And when Sam was like, "Could you...stop...touching me." AND SHE WAS LIKE, "NO." oasidngkfohingdfghoni died. :( It was kind of amazing. I thought the inclusion of fanfic was way, way, WAY too much, though. :( Mostly just because I am defensive and it makes me feel bad. And then they mocked us for being mad when they mock us. IDK, whatever, guys. I apologize for being defensive about a hobby that I am perfectly aware is crazy and weird and gross. :( I don't think it's really funny enough to the rest of the world to CONTINUE TO MILK THAT JOKE LONG PAST ITS EXPIRATION DATE, YOU KNOW. Like. Yes. We get it. You know about us and think we're all crazy and hilarious. GREAT, NOW GO AWAY. LET ME BE MORTIFIED IN PEACE. It is especially weird because she's BRIGITTE!!! FROM GINGER SNAPS!! SHE AND AVA-THE-SPECIAL-CHILD NEED TO GO FROLIC TOGETHER IN MORE GAY INCESTY SUPERNATURAL-NESS! odsingkldf *_* werewolves.

oaidgndofhind ANYWAY UH. SO OTHER STUFF! I thought it was hilarious that Dean was Michael's sword. WE ALL IMMEDIATELY GUESSED THAT, DID WE NOT?? I have read like FIVE DIFFERENT FANFICS WITH THAT EXACT SAME PREMISE. LOLOLOLOL. And that was like WAY BACK IN SEASON TWO, TOO, NOT JUST LAST SEASON. Ahaha! We beat you to it, Kripke. That is clearly why you are so bitter about our fic. :D! Anyway, not gonna lie, I would've enjoyed it a little more if Dean had wavered in his stance about not being an angel vessel when the angels were gonna torture Sam. But I still was down with the whole thing, which is surprising, because as a whole I REALLY DO NOT LIKE THE WHOLE ANGEL PLOT. SORRY. :/ I was like YAWN when Castiel came busting back in because DUH of course he was going to save the day. I had a really sweet half-hour there when I thought he might be on vaycay for a couple of episodes, but I knew he'd come back. He was refreshingly un-touchy-feely though! I think I like it better when he is brisk and ass-kicking than when he is emotive and human-esque. Sadly I fear he will not stay so alien. WE SHALL SEE!

Meg seemed...weirdly pointless, but I am going to assume that's because she will come back and more stuff will happen with her? Also her buddy demon was from back in season one! :D Cool!

SERIOUSLY LIKE A BILLION THINGS HAPPENED IN THIS EPISODE WHAT ELSE AM I MISSING?

OH RIGHT SAM AND DEAN. soidhgkdfihodnkhodin OH MY GOD SO BEAUTIFUL. *____*! And Sam. I could literally go on for PAGES about his gorgeous wee face and his brow and his HAIR and his SAD LITTLE MOUTH aodingsodfigndoihn god his self-loathing is just POURING OFF OF HIM IN WAVES. AND WHEN BOBBY-DEMON BITCHES AT HIM MY HEART BROKE INTO A BILLION PIECES.

AND THEN.

THE END.

WITH DEAN.

I JUST.

:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH SADFACE IN THE UNIVERSE. SAMMY. :((((((( BB. WE KNOW YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING THE RIGHT THING. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT RUBY WAS LYING. DEAN WAS WRONG, TOO!! IT'S OKAY BB! HE WILL REALISE IT SOON ENOUGH. HE STILL LOVES YOU PLZ DON'T LET HIM CRUSH YOUR POOR LITTLE HEART TOO BADLY. YOU WILL BE LIKE YOU WERE. YOU WILL. YOUR LOVE WILL SAVE THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM THE APOCALYPSE. YOUR LOVE WILL OVERTHROW HEAVEN AND EARTH. JUST WAIT, BABY BOY!! IT WILL HAPPEN!

DEAN, HONEY. I understand your pain and anger and hurt! I DO! RUBY WAS A CRAFTY LITTLE DEVIL AND SAM DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU. IT'S TRUE. But that doesn't mean you can't trust him. IF ANYTHING, YOU CAN TRUST HIM EVEN MORE NOW. I don't know if this magical demonbloodhealing is going to stick or not, but I'm going to guess NOT, and when he starts breaking down, HE NEEDS YOU. :( HE NEEDS YOU MORE THAN YOU HAVE EVER NEEDED HIM. PLEASE REALISE HE WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE FUCKING UP. YOU ARE NOT A SAINT, DEAN, AND SAMMY LOVES YOU ANYWAY. YOU NEED TO FORGIVE HIM AND YOU NEED TO LEARN FROM YOUR OWN MISTAKES.

I want to SMOOSH THEM TOGETHER LIKE KEN DOLLS! I MEAN IT IS GOOD DEAN SAID IT!! IT IS! That is an important part of fixing it, obvs. And if they are actually being totally honest with each other now, that is a big yay!! SO YEAH. COME ON, SEASON FIVE. I THINK YOU WANT TO SMOOSH THEM TOGETHER LIKE KEN DOLLS, TOO!

osdigfnkhdghodfinh Actually SUPER EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEK. OH MAN. OH MAN, SEASON FIVE, THIS IS A FUCKING AMAZING START. LET'S KEEP IT GOING STRONG, BABIES. YOU CAN REEL ME BACK IN YET!!!

:D!!!!!!

Do I stink?

2009-09-09T23:49:54Z

OH GOD. I definitely just lost EVERYTHING I have done so far on my j2_remix. I do not know what possessed me to write entirely in WordPad and also not save anything. :/ WTF IS GOING ON IN MY BRAIN. So my computer magically restarted overnight and I lost it all. oasdinglskh that will teach me to be completely irrational! SIGH. BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD, I SUPPOSE. It was just a fleshed-out outline, really, so I guess it could've been worse. Still, blargh. That is so disheartening, and it is going to be ten thousand times harder to start again, now.

IN OTHER NEWS! NEW LAYOUT! Oh my god it is so pretty I have actually been regularly reading my flist and was inspired to POST just so I can LOOK AT IT MOAR. I had the same obnoxious LJ layout for like. Five years? Something like that. Possibly longer. I've had this LJ for eight, and the majority of that time was the white/black/red Christian Bale layout. Anyway. I have been wanting a change for a LONG time now, I was just way too lazy to ever do it myself. I had to have my hand held and get somebody else to just DO IT FOR ME for it to actually happen. <333! Also, lolz Dead and Gone. It started as a joke but I actually sort of love it. OH AND I updated my userinfo, finally. Haha. Man, I am such a slacker, it amazes even me.

balefully: I am watching a Charo performance and she matches it perfectly. Her skin is the exactly same colour as the swirly background. sdipgnsg It's an omen.
valiant: sfjsdklsfjs that... is... horrifying
balefully: NO! She was awesome when she was young. She was a child prodigy!
valiant: so was your layout!
balefully: dtfgyhjk
utcyfdxctvyguhjlk
scream

I was going to ask if anyone knew of some good SPN moodthemes I could have a look at to pick one out to go with my new layout, but I think I decided I want to upload this Christian Bale one I have. I feel bad now that he's not on my actual journal anymore! He will just live on elsewhere.

So yeah. Unrelatedly, I also REALLY wanted to post pictures of my new townhouse! But I haven't actually finished unpacking yet. :/ Er. So. That has not happened. I WILL DO IT, I PROMISE. SORRY. I will say, however, that though the place is nice and my bed is huge, the giganto flat-screen TV downstairs can just go SUCK IT. It's all fucked up! There is this weird red snowy stuff that shows up in black spaces, which is just fine when I'm watching something bright like Gilmore Girls, but which is HORRIFYING and un-ignorable when I'm watching SPN, where the screen is pretty much entirely black all the time. WEEP. I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT DAMN TV. :( At least I have another one in my room, even if it is not as big or flat.

ALSO ONE OF MY ROOMMATES STOLE MY CAKE FLOUR. Who the fuck steals cake flour. :( IDEK, man. This is a rough town. Not that I was actually going to bake a cake with it, but it's the principle of the thing! Sigh. I really do need to cook more, though. I am so out of practice. I've been eating out WAY too much, which is both horrible for my bank account and for my steadily increasing weight. NO GOOD. I may possibly have eaten an ENTIRE JAR OF APPLESAUCE, straight out of the jar itself, just the other night. I also had to cook all the bacon I had before it went bad, which does not bode well. I mean. A WHOLE HUNK OF COOKED BACON JUST CHILLIN' RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME WHENEVER I OPEN THE FRIDGE! That is not going to last long.

Another food-ish observation (well, beverage): DIET COKE OUT OF CANS IS TOO MUCH CARBONATION. I don't know if I've just been getting bad batches lately, but this never used to bother me, and now suddenly I am like >:( whenever I try and drink a can of Diet Coke. WHY SO MUCH CARBON DIOXIDE IN THERE, COCA COLA COMPANY? Do not want. It makes it hard to swallow and it tastes more bitter and is not thirst-quenching even when it's cold. I am forced to pour it into a glass. PRECIOUS SECONDS I COULD BE SPENDING DOING SOMETHING USEFUL. Or watching horrifying TLC shock programming that makes me want to die yet which I can't seem to pry myself away from.

I am seriously all over the place in this post, I don't even know. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THERE IS NEW SPN TOMORROW. I may possibly pass out before it actually gets to be 9 PM. I am not at all sure what to expect, and I don't know how to feel, and I am just. I DON'T KNOW. Jittery and nauseated! PLEASE, SPN. PLEASE DON'T LET ME DOWN. PLEASE. I WILL PAY YOU MONEY.

Lastly, I have sodingsdkg sort of maybe started dating this neat-o girl, beckaandzac, whom SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW. :D! She is awesome and things are good and IDK IDK I am not really much of a kiss-and-tell-er, so. osidngkmdh. Yeah. :"> There's that.

OH I LIED that is not the last thing. The last thing is that OMG GLEE TONIGHT!! YAY! Also I am working on some more fic, besides my j2_remix, so yes! I AM GETTING MORE INVOLVED IN FANDOM IF IT KILLS ME. I am going to start reading my flist all the time again, and actually COMMENTING and READING FIC and MAKING RECS and LOVING ON YOU ALL AS MUCH AS YOU OBVIOUSLY DESERVE <333! ...I hope.

HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS!

2009-09-04T00:25:35Z

OMG TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY! Because it is the day the world gave us lazy_daze!

<3333333333333!

MY LOVE FOR YOU KNOWS NO BOUNDS, BUTTHOLE! And I am sure you know it, but birthdays are always a lovely time to repeat it. You are amazing and make me laugh every day and I miss you so much it is STUPID! I cannot fucking WAIT until October. It will be constant laughter and funtimes and feel like we have never been apart, I'm sure.

MWAH!

Your presents are forthcoming! You won't get the tangible one(s!) until I see you, but hopefully the intangible one will come sooner. You never know, with me. :">!

ANYWAY.

ILU, SAM!

FIC: Fill My Little World Right Up

2009-08-29T04:45:20Z

Title: Fill My Little World Right Up
Author: balefully
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Words: 6,830
Disclaimer: All a product of my fevered imagination.

Warnings: JUST DON'T READ THIS. AT ALL. NOBODY. EVER. It involves D/s and enemas and watersports and petification and impregnation kink and itufghj. Oh god, kill me now.

Summary: There is just. So much disgusting porn. I am mortified I'm even posting it. It is VERY IMPORTANT TO NOTE that this is from an existing universe where Jared and Jensen are in a pre-established D/s relationship involving pseudo-puppyplay. So if anything doesn't make any sense, that's probably why. :< In this universe (which is technically non-AU), Jensen is Jared's puppy, Jared likes to take care of him, and Jensen wars with feeling like he is bad and sick and wrong for loving it. This fic is a whole lot of grossness and a whole lot of schmoop and pretty much nothing anyone would ever want to read.

Notes: OMG valiant, I LOVE YOU. Words cannot express it. :3!! This is entirely for Edie, and I cannot believe I finally finished it. And that it is almost 7,000 words. Weep. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, SHORTY. I was going to post it at blindfold_spn so I could get it out there and yet not have my name attached, but it's really too long for that. Also that's cheating, since I've been working on this for months and months and months. PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME OH GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM POSTING THIS. Thanks to beckaandzac for the last-minute tweaks!

Fill My Little World Right Up

The boxes start coming on a Wednesday. Jared's shooting all day and Jensen has some rare time off, so he's sipping on a glass of wine from the new bottle he bought last week. He swirls it in his glass, getting a good breath of it, tasting and considering, when the doorbell rings. It's FedEx, and the name on the package is Harley Larklair—pet's name, street you grew up on: must be Jared—so Jensen signs that on the delivery form, just to be safe. The FedEx man doesn't even look; he just hands over the package and snaps his gum.

"Uh, thanks," Jensen says, and closes the door before the guy can recognize him and start making small-talk. He dumps the mid-size box on the kitchen table and grabs his laptop from the counter by the stove. He googles Medulex, the name stamped on the box in bold black letters.

It's a medical supply company. Why Jared would be using an alias (and a transparent porn-name alias, at that) to buy medical equipment is sort of boggling. Jensen's chest gets tight when he considers maybe there's something wrong with Jared he didn't know about—maybe he's really sick or something. He can't help but think Jared would've told him, though.

He leaves the box where it is, glowering ominously from the table, and can't even bring himself to ask Jared about it when he gets back from filming later that night.

***

Friday sees yet another box, this one smaller and much lighter. Jared picks it up from the front porch when they're on their way in, palming it so that Jensen can't even see the label on it. "What's that?" Jensen asks, jingling his keys nervously in his pocket.

"Oh, nothin'," Jared says. He smiles and tosses the box in the air, catching it with a scrape of his fingernails on the cardboard. Jensen cringes a little. "It's a surprise."

Jensen furrows his brow, self-conscious about asking, but he's gotta figure it out. "A surprise—for me?" He doesn't know whether to be excited or anxious, really.

Jared just shrugs, still grinning. So that's probably a yes, then.

***

That weekend, Jared puts Jensen in his puppy bed and leashes him up. He gets it into his head sometimes that Jensen needs to be taken care of, that Jared needs to breed him full of spunk until Jensen can't hold anymore. Sometimes he even has Jensen take pregnancy tests, both of them pretending they don't know what it'll say. Jensen pisses on the stick while he's in his puppy bed, wetting himself and trembling when he hears the heavy stream of it pattering on the rubber sheet.

Jared doesn't leave him in his puppy bed alone. He brings down a blanket and sleeps on Jensen's plastic-covered mattress with him, waiting on him hand and foot, taking care of him.

Sunday finds them both in the bathroom—when he is allowed to leave his bed, Jensen still can't go anywhere without Jared leading him.

"Hey, puppy," Jared says, running a broad hand down the dip of Jensen's spine. Jensen's skin tightens into goosebumps, and he shivers all over. He's completely naked except for his collar; Jared's still fully dressed. Jensen's always so much more sensitive that way. He swallows past the embarrassment, sinks into it. It's freezing in the bathroom, his feet bare on the granite floor. "Such a good boy. Kneel down for me, right there on your special new puppy bed."

Jensen blushes hot, all the way to the tips of his ears. He always does when his master talks like that. His real puppy bed's just outside the door, still visible, just a mattress on the floor of his room. The bottom edge of the fitted plastic sheet peeks out from under the blanket.

Jared apparently just bought an actual dog bed from the pet store, though: a big one like for Great Danes or Rottweilers. He must've dragged it into Jensen's spacious bathroom sometime when he was asleep. The bed's in the middle of the floor, right across from a hook about halfway up the wall that Jensen's pretty sure wasn't there before. He doesn't spend much time in his own bathroom these days, but he'd remember it. It's bright chrome, and the rest of the fixtures are brushed brass.

He kneels like a good pup, hot all over, confused and vulnerable and hyperaware of his nakedness. This is Jared, though, his hand soft in Jensen's hair, stroking him, scritching behind his ears. Jensen trusts him, so whatever this is or whatever it's gonna be, it won't be bad. Jared wants him to do it, so he's gonna do it. He lets the feeling of being taken care of wash over him, secure in it, in Jared's presence and warmth.

"That's it. Now down on your elbows. Stick that cute little puppy butt up in the air," Jared says, voice soft but commanding. He gives Jensen's ass a squeeze, laying a quick smack on it, not too hard, just enough to sting. He rubs over the ache, kneads at it some. Jensen leans back into it, into the hot pinpricks as his eyes water and he squeezes them shut. It's hard to see himself like this, but feeling Jared touching him, wanting him like that, owning him—there's nothing else like it.

A hazy sort of blankness falls over his senses where they extend beyond the bathroom, everything narrowing down to Jared, to Master. To what Jensen is supposed to be doing, to what Jared is doing to him. He doesn't have to worry about anything—suddenly their normal lives outside these walls just don't matter. No one will know about what Jensen does or says here except Jared. Jared who loves him, who says he'd do anything to make Jensen comfortable and happy. As much as Jensen tends to try and convince himself otherwise, what they're doing clearly means something more to Jared than any old friends-with-benefits arrangement.

He bought Jensen a doggy bed, for Christ's sake.

Jensen crouches down, settling in on his elbows, ass raised high, most of his body still sort of cold and goosebumpy. His dick is fattening up, hanging heavy and hard between his thighs, balls tight and aching. He hugs the edge of the bed, supporting his head on the soft fleece as he looks back at Jared. Master is standing tall, smiling down at his little puppy. He reaches out, idly trailing his fingers between Jensen's ass cheeks, rubbing firm over his hole, dipping in just a bit.

Jensen pants, sliding his knees apart on the bed, arching his back down and pushing his butt back into Jared's fingers. "Eager for it, huh?" Jared asks. "Like you're just a ruttin' little puppy in heat. Wanna get that tight hole all stuffed full of your master's cock."

Jensen swallows, his throat sticking, and his blush burns his cheeks. "Yes, Master," he says, corner of his lips moving against the dog bed. He wants nothing more than Jared to just—mount him. Pry him open and fill him up with hot come until his puppy belly bulges with it.

"Well it's not gonna happen just yet." Jared smiles, maybe even a little smug. He does like riling Jensen up, making him desperate and needy and seeing how far he can go. Luckily, Jensen likes it, too. He whimpers helplessly. "It's bath time, first. Good little puppies gotta be clean, right? Before Master makes 'em all messy again?"

Jensen nods, still confused. This isn't like any other time Jared's bathed him. Usually it's after Jensen gets pounded and creamed—Jared'll guide him into the tub filled with warm water, soaping up his washcloth and rubbing Jensen all over. He's always gentle, thorough, murmuring, "My sweet boy," as he washes between Jensen's legs, over his sore and puffy hole, lingering at the sweaty back of his neck just like a puppy's scruff.

This is definitely different.

"Yeah, you like that, don't you, puppy?" Jared asks, pushing the tips of his fingers under the thick leather of Jensen's collar. He curls them a little, putting a taut pressure on Jensen's throat. Jensen nods as much as he can, the ring of it clinking softly, a choked noise escaping him—a whine, almost. He can't even spare the energy to be too embarrassed by how desperate he sounds, all the blood in his body pumping hard in his fat, aching dick. Jared's hands on his collar get him harder than just about anything else. His Master's hands, firm against his twitching skin.

Jared runs his fingers through the bristly hair at the nape of Jensen's neck, above his collar, where sweat is starting to prickle. Jensen squeezes his eyes closed and exhales shakily, shifting on his knees, the dog bed rustling under him.

His Master pulls away, cool air chilling Jensen's clammy back. "Just a sec, pup," Jared says softly. "Stay." Jensen turns his face into the fleece, shuddering at the sudden vulnerability. At the word, spoken to him like he's a real puppy. He stays, of course, heart beating fast with the thrill of being able to follow Jared's commands. "Keep your head down, sweet boy. Think about your Master's cock. What a good puppy you are."

Jensen doesn't look, but he can hear odd quiet sounds, Jared opening cabinets and moving around. There's a clang from the direction of the hook, and running water for a couple minutes. He tries to block it out, doing as he was told. He thinks of Jared's thick, veiny cock, the fat head that splits him apart, pushes in, so often sloppy through loads of come already stuffed into Jensen's little hole, oozing out, overflowing as Jared crams his huge dick in, no space left for the wads of jizz. He thinks of how obedient he tries to be. How he wears his big new plug pressed up tight in his ass whenever Jared asks, and even sometimes just because he wants to, loving how it feels. He always asks to piss, like a good, housebroken pet. He can heel, sit, down, stay, roll over, wag his tail, and of course show—his master needs to see that he's wearing his plug, always a well-trained puppy. When he follows all his commands, Jared will reward him for being a sweet boy by leashing him up and holding him down while he fucks Jensen until he cries, pumping into him and breeding him all full of thick, hot cream.

Jensen moans high in the back of his throat when Jared breaks into his thoughts by rubbing a hand absently over Jensen's crack, massaging at his hole. He dips his back and presses his butt up into Jared's hand again, letting out the puppyish whimper he can hardly help and which Jared always seems to love.

"Shh, hey pup, 's okay. I got you. Almost done. You're gonna love this, I promise. Gonna get you all clean and pink. Perfect little puppy." He slides his hand down and forward, stroking over Jensen's smooth-shaved balls, tugging at them a little, rubbing along the sensitive crease above his thighs, circling two knuckles into Jensen's perineum, all of it soft and hairless. Just playing with Jensen for a while. "You doin' good?"

Jensen can't get any words out at first. He wriggles again, his knee sliding in the slick, goopy wet of precome dripping all over his new bed.

Jared laughs sweetly. "My messy boy," he says, huffing a happy breath through his nose. "Love that you're so wet for me," he says. "You're in heat, huh, puppy? Dripping for it, and so desperate. Don't even know what I'm gonna do, but you're sliming up your new bed anyway. So slutty, pup. Just perfect. Guess that means you're doin' okay, huh?"

Jensen manages a breathy, "Yes, Master," chest tight and heart pounding at Jared's words, each one sinking hot into his skin. Immediately after, Jared pushes a lube-slick finger into Jensen's hole like it's nothing.

"You're ready for me, aren't you?" Jared says, smearing in more lube, pushing fingerfuls of it as far as he can up Jensen's ass, spreading his cheeks with his thumbs. Jensen pictures how slippery and shiny he must be, how pink and open. "Such an easy little boy. Just love getting your puppy butt all filled up by Master, right? Any way you can." Jensen moans and buries his face in his bed, thighs and groin burning with how far he's spread open. "Thought about makin' you wear your new plug today," Jared says, "but I wanted you so tight for this. It'd be too big. Stretch you out too good." Jensen clenches, incapable of figuring out what that must mean, what Jared must be planning, when Jared's doing what he's doing. "You'll be all loosened up later, puppy. Bath time first."

Jensen's dick aches, still drooling precome in shiny strings as he tries to keep his belly held off the bed, looking back up at his own body. He can't give in to his need for something, anything against his tortured cock. Jared is purposely ignoring it, running his free hand all over Jensen's body, tweaking at his nipples until they sting, grabbing at the scruff of his neck and at his collar, completely covering Jensen everywhere except where he most wants it. Second-most wants it, really, because Jared's fingers in his ass, the lube dripping down the backs of his thighs, is consuming him. It feels so right, burns everything else but the heavy throb of his cock out of his head.

"Okay, here we go, buddy," Jared says, parting the two fingers in Jensen's ass. There's something slick and hard nudging at his hole between Jared's thick knuckles—it feels a lot like his plug, but it's not quite the right shape.

"Master?" Jensen says, tensing. Confusion is breaking through the relentless tug of neediness, and he can't be good, can't do the right thing, if he doesn't even know what's supposed to be happening. "What should I—what do you—"

"Just stay right like that, pup," Jared says, and Jensen can hear his smile in the soothing tone. "Gonna clean you out, okay? Fill up your tummy and wash out your little puppy butt."

Jensen's mouth falls open, eyes shutting tight as he pants, picturing what Jared's implying. The bulbous, lubed rubber pressing at his hole must be the big nozzle for an enema hose. His face and chest and ears are burning hot, embarrassment and excitement thrilling through him. What he's going to look like, Jared watching him, pumping him full and—Jensen turns his head, trying to figure out what Master's been setting up. There's a thick tube coming from where Jared's kneeling behind him—must be attached to the nozzle—up to a full gallon can hanging on the chrome hook, about two feet above Jensen's sluttily swayed back. Jared's also just wearing his undershirt, now, untucked and bunched where it sits above his belt, loose over his flat stomach and narrow hips.

"Made it just right," Jared says, following Jensen's gaze to the enema can. "Been readin' up on it for weeks. Ordered all the right equipment. Castile soap." He scoots around to Jensen's side, one hand still holding the enema nozzle to Jensen's twitching hole, the other rubbing under the leather of his collar, squeezing firm and comforting on the back of his neck. "I'll take such good care of you, puppy."

"Please, Master," Jensen says again, barely a whisper, stomach tight with need, and Jared ducks his head, meeting Jensen's eyes. Though Jensen mostly wants to look away, wants to pretend this isn't as totally wrong as it is and that he isn't getting off on it, he can't make himself.

Jared leans down, pressing a sideways kiss to Jensen's lips. He moves his hand from Jensen's scruff to his dripping dick, and Jensen hisses when Jared jacks it, milking it like a teat as it hangs thick and heavy between Jensen's thighs, angling down under his belly. "You're gonna swell right up, sweetness," he breathes, holding Jensen's hard cock up against his abs, rubbing back and forth, coaxing out fat blurts of precome, slit dilating around each one. He smears it all over Jensen's stomach, fingers spanning his whole belly. "Get all round and big, right here. Gonna look like I really have been breedin' you every night, creamin' you 'til you're overflowing and makin' you hold it. Pluggin' you up so there's no way it won't take." Jensen shifts his hips, both from finally being touched and from what Jared's saying—the image is burning in, how distended his belly's gonna be, how huge and heavy it'll be with all the water from the enema can stoppered up inside him. He really feels like he's in heat, empty and wet and aching to be filled. "You wanna get knocked up, Jensen? 'Cause I'm gonna knock you up so good. Gonna make you so fuckin' big and full." Jensen humps his hips again, helplessly keening, and Jared immediately pulls his hand away—shame laps at Jensen as Jared grabs the growing bulge in his owns jeans, rubbing absently. "Not yet," Jared says, and Jensen turns his face into his puppy bed, trying to ignore how disgustingly over-eager he must look, how perverse this all is.

After an agonizing moment, Jared starts working the bulb into Jensen's ass slowly, muttering, "C'mon, pup," and Jensen tries not to clench up—there's no give to it at all, and it's bigger than his usual plug. Differently shaped. He breathes shakily as his hole stretches around it, Jared's fingers spreading him, focus narrowed to the deep burn of it and the comfort of Jared's other hand back on his belly. He grips Jared's wrist tight, an anchor, and whimpers a little as the nozzle pops into place. His hole closes around the neck of it even as the girth of it pries him wide open inside.

Jared rubs around his hole, gives his butt another quick smack. Jensen sucks in a surprised breath as the large nozzle shifts inside him with the force of the smack. "Tell me it's good," Master says, twisting it and pushing it deeper where it shoves hard and slow against Jensen's prostate, then pulling it back too soon. Jensen can only whine. His hips stutter again, precome sluicing from his slit in gouts, thinking about what that bulb's gonna do to him, how he's gonna look, and he moans into his puppy bed.

"Tell me," Jared says again, and Jensen's half-expecting another smack for not speaking right away. Jared just turns his hand over in Jensen's grip and twines their fingers together, instead, squeezing. Jensen's breath hitches on an airy sob as Jared lets go of the tube and rolls Jensen's smooth-shaved balls around in his palm, tugging a little, really more comforting than anything.

"It's—good. It's good, Master." Jensen whimpers and his ass clenches involuntarily around the nozzle, needy, some lube squeezing messily out where his hole clings to the neck.

"Love you so much," Jared says, and Jensen's chest aches with it, no brain space left to think too much. "Gonna get you all clean, right, puppy?"

"Yes—" Jensen moans, and before he can even say Master, there's the shock of warm liquid gushing up his ass. He gasps and jerks his hips back into Jared's hands, a million different sensations flooding him. He can feel the water seeping into his guts, filling him up inch by inch inside. His thighs slide farther apart and his tense muscles go shaky and weak as the enema rushes over his prostate, the continuous pressure and warmth and movement massaging and milking him like he's never felt before. "Oh fuck," he cries, muffled into his puppy bed. "Oh god, Jared—"

The water stops as abruptly as it started. "Hey, hey, you okay, baby?" Jared asks, one hand still pressing at the base of the nozzle, holding it firm up inside Jensen without giving his ass any relief, the other stroking soothingly over his back, scritching around his collar. Jensen nods rapidly, eyes still squeezed shut. "Look at me."

He opens his eyes, which fuzz up for a second before Jared's face comes into focus, leaning down by Jensen's. "They said to do it slow or you'll cramp up," Master says, clearly worried. "Do you hurt?" Jensen shakes his head. Words are beyond him, drowned in this weird sort of degradation and the insistent, maddening pulse of his dick. Jared rubs at his belly with one lube-smeared hand and Jensen takes a shivery breath, skin twitching.

He feels the broadest part of the nozzle stretching the rim of his hole before he notices Jared pulling it out. "Clench tight," Jared says, and Jensen wants so badly to protest, to beg Jared not to unplug him. "You can hold it, know you can. Be a good li'l boy, puppy. Squeeze that sweet pucker all tight for me and kneel up, okay?" Jared tugs the nozzle the rest of the way out and Jensen's eyes water pathetically as he clenches his butt cheeks together. Master pulls softly at Jensen's shoulder until he's sitting back on his calves, and Jensen's pretty sure Jared'll be able to tell he's crying now, desperate and humiliated as he fights the overwhelming urge to let go. The need to bear down is pretty much all he can think about, like he's gotta shit, gotta do it right now, but he can't. Has to hold tight for Master.

"Fuck, Jensen," Jared says, and knees onto Jensen's puppy bed in front of him, heedless of the slimy precome smearing into his jeans. His big hands wrap around the sides of Jensen's face, and he kisses him, gentle at first, then a deep and dirty make-out sort of a kiss, like he wants to take hours and hours to just rub and nibble and suck at Jensen's lips. It's enough to push the dire need in his guts to the back of his mind, enough to remind Jensen that his cock's rock hard and pulsing, veiny and fat with urgency. "God, so—fuck, you're such a fuckin' hot little puppy. You—this is crazy. Crazy fucked up. What you look like, baby, I'm—" Jared runs his hand over the pronounced swell of Jensen's belly, pushing a little at the taut skin like he's fascinated. There's a damp spot seeping through to the left of his fly, dick huge and straining at the crotch of his jeans. Jensen's mouth waters. "You really—it really is like you're gettin' pregnant," Jared says, and he sounds more awed than rough and dirty. It just makes Jensen's body tense tighter with humiliation, how freakish it all is, he is, and he closes his eyes. "Jesus, lookin' so damn slutty and depraved." Jared lets out a shuddering breath, voice thick. "I'm gonna do more," he says, imperious. Doesn't ask this time, though it's not like Jensen'd say no. "Gonna plug you back up and pump you even fuller. Get that tummy so fucking full of me—"

Leaning in, Jensen rubs his hot, sweaty face against Jared's chest, breathing in deep. "Yeah," he murmurs into Jared's shirt, voice wobbly and dick straining. "Please. Master. Fill me up." His balls feel like knots, so fucking tight and churning. He'd let his master do anything.

"Tell me how good it feels. Tell me to make you all big and swollen up, lookin' so huge and pregnant like a li'l breeding fuckpuppy. Now." Jared's hand is solid at the back of his neck, fingers stroking through the short, sweaty hair there and pushing under the edges of his collar.

Jensen squeezes his eyes shut tighter, helpless tears leaking down his cheeks as he pants shallowly. "Feels so good," he whispers. The words bubble up and out like they're coming from some totally different place; he has no control over them. He burns with mortification as he pants, "So heavy and weird and pressing so hard on me all over inside, full everywhere—please. Please—make me. Make me big an' swollen, Master, your little breeding fuckpuppy stuffed full of you, so knocked up—"

"Well, when you ask so pretty," Jared says suddenly, breathlessly, and shivers excitedly under Jensen's cheek. The sudden push in of the nozzle and the flush of the enema into Jensen's ass don't shock him quite so much, this time. He tips forward right away and bows his back down like the little breeder he is, raising his ass high up in the air, right at Jared, a low, continuous moan grating quietly in his throat as he gets fuller and fuller, the gradual pour into his belly making him feel even more heavy and stretched. The flow is slower now so Jared won't have to stop and pull the tube out again until he's done. Jensen pants as minutes crawl on forever and the firm flesh across his hips and abs distends.

The fullness is weird and intense, and he holds his breath because it just seems like the right thing to do. All Jensen's internal organs feel like they're rubbing around against each other, puffy and slick, soaking in a bathtub of warm suds. The pressure drives him crazy, this constant push everywhere, like some sort of weird endless, motionless fuck. His prostate is throbbing with the stimulation from all the water, milked and squeezed and pushing more slimy strings of precome out of his smeary little piss-slit. He looks back up under his body again as it works open visibly every time his dick drools out more. It doesn't seem possible.

Finally, Jared turns off the flow and starts pulling at the tube. "Clench up, puppy," he says, and Jensen does, only losing a thin stream of warm water down his leg as Jared works the nozzle out of him and his asshole goes achingly tight. Master's fingers brush all over his body, and he whispers sweet things into Jensen's clammy skin. He presses fingertips against Jensen's hole, and Jensen sobs a little, though he tries not to, desperate and sure he can't hold it when Jared's pushing like that. He squirms as tears roll down his cheeks. Holding in the giant, constant need to void himself—it's the most immediately difficult thing he's ever had to do.

Jared kneels up and twines his hands with Jensen's, pulling him up, too. "C'mon, puppy," he says, then kisses softly at Jensen's teary cheeks and stands. Jensen wants to beg to stay down on the floor, beg to just crouch down on his hands and knees, hiding his huge, bloated belly in shadow. He doesn't, though. Can't make his mouth work beyond panting little breaths. He follows Jared up, standing, hunching over himself, looking anywhere but at the grotesque bulge of his body.

Jared says, "Let Master look at you, c'mon—" and pulls on Jensen's shoulders so he's standing up straight, shuffling awkwardly until he's right in front of the full-length mirror on the linen closet. He has to spread his legs a little to make up for the fact that his center of gravity is totally off. Part of him wants to wriggle out from under Jared's hands, but mostly he doesn't want to move at all, butt cheeks straining to stay tight and keep all that water inside him, though the weight of it seems immense and punishing.

"Fuck, Jensen, "Jared breathes. "So fuckin' swollen. Just like I—god. So hot. You see how big you are? Look. Look in the mirror, now." He cups a hand under Jensen's chin and forces his face up to meet his own eyes in the mirror. He looks—young. Big, wet eyes, slack glistening mouth, so pink everywhere, damp with sweat, the stark line of his thick black collar, and Jesus, his cock looks like it's about to explode. He's never been harder. Never.

And—his belly. It's immense. He whines at the sight, not even thinking to stifle it. Jensen doesn't know how much water Jared filled him up with, but he looks full third-trimester pregnant. It's the most disgusting thing he's ever seen, and he can't stop staring at himself. It's like his body belongs to someone else entirely and the beginnings of cramping in his guts are phantom sympathy pains. Only Jared is tethering him to reality, one warm hand gripping him tight at the back of his neck just below his collar and one around his left hip.

Jared isn't saying anything at all, just watching him, staring at him. The hand around his hip trails up and over his hugely bloated belly, gentle against the straining skin. "Jensen," he says, lips right up against Jensen's ear. "Love you. Love everything about you. That you let me do this to you. That you're so fuckin' hard right now, dripping everywhere for it. For me. Love tryin' to get you pregnant. Just like this. God, wish you really were, Jensen. Wish you were this full up of a brood for me. Look like you're gonna have a whole litter, you see that?" He lays his big hand flat against Jensen's impossible belly, and Jensen whimpers at the pressure. "Like you could just squat right here and drop a whole fuckin' litter of my babies. Your master's puppies."

Jensen shivers all over, canting his hips back as Jared pushes the line of his fat dick up against Jensen's ass, thrusting shallowly, rhythmically. Jared's clothes chafe against Jensen's sensitized skin and Jared's fingers slide along Jensen's collar possessively. "You want me to cream you pregnant, all full of puppies? A big ol' litter of 'em, sweetness? You wanna carry a dozen of my babies, bred up just like a perfect fuckpuppy?"

It's so fucking sick, what they're doing. What Jensen looks like, what he's thinking about. What Jared's saying. How bad he wants Jared to dick him deep, really fill him up with his litter until he's so fucking pregnant he can't even walk. So huge and heavy he'd be waddling like he's waddling now with his ass clenched together, little embarrassing drips leaking out down his thigh the only sign that it's not really babies making his belly expand and his skin stretch and his cock dribble. "Yes, Master," he says, barely moving his lips or making any sound at all. He looks straight at Jared in the mirror, though.

"Better empty you out first then, huh?" Jared says, smiling against Jensen's cheek. He kisses Jensen's temple and thumbs away more of his pathetic tears. When Master backs away from him, Jensen sways after to follow his warmth and the long, hot press of his cock through his jeans. "Nuh-uh, pup," Jared says, still smiling, but eyes so fucking dark. "You gotta walk yourself."

Jensen's face burns as he makes his way to the toilet. It hadn't really sunk in, how he was gonna have to get rid of all the water that's pumping him up so inhumanly huge. Gonna have to shit it out, all runny and disgusting and god, noisy.

"Sit your little butt right there on the can," Jared says, putting down the seat and sidling closer while Jensen struggles to lower himself down without losing control of his muscles. "Look at me. I'm gonna watch you, make sure you're doin' it right, that you're okay."

The toilet seat is cold against Jensen's hot skin. His has to stick his legs out awkwardly in front of him, knees mostly straight, to keep from loosening up too soon. Jared stands in the vee of his thighs, looking down at him, huge line of his cock held tight against his body by his jeans, but still right there in Jensen's face. Jared presses his lips together for a moment, clearly thinking. "Hey, puppy," he says, mostly just sounding curious, maybe even a little unsure. "You wanna suck on your master's dick while you go? Yes or no."

Jensen looks up with wide eyes. Blow Jared while he's shitting out an enema? Half of him completely recoils—it's bad enough as it is, he already isn't sure he's ever gonna be able to look anyone in the eye ever again. But half of him wants it, desperately. Wants his master's cock so fucking bad, whenever he can get it, however he can get it. Wants the distraction so he can focus on something other than the sting of humiliation when he's dumping all the disgusting fluid out of his bowels right there in front of Jared's face. "Yes," he says, butt still clenched tight, shaky with the constant thrum of arousal through his body.

Jared unzips and drags his cock out of his jeans, the waistband of his briefs catching under the huge, veined shaft of it. Jensen's mouth instantly starts watering, seeing the big swollen head already wet and messy with precome. "Suck it, puppy. Take the whole thing real deep, 'kay?" Except he won't let Jensen have it, at first, twitching his hips so it sways away from Jensen's mouth when he leans it towards it. Jared grabs it in one hand and smears it around on Jensen's face, sliming up his cheeks and lips, first, before feeding his whole fat prick straight into Jensen's mouth.

Jensen opens up for it and sucks the big knob of it in with a slurp, working his lips around it and sliding his tongue against Jared's wet piss-slit. He swallows down each thick blob of precome as it spits them out, the shaft pulsing in his hand. He presses his face as far towards Jared's tight belly as he can, working his throat and choking deliriously around the girth as it pries his mouth open. He looks up, meeting Jared's eyes as Jared looks down, watching. Jared's red and sweaty, too, and it's obvious he's trying not to fuck his hips into Jensen's face, his muscles all tight and shivery. Jensen can't even imagine what he must look like, naked, face full of dick, teary red eyes, big swollen pregnant belly, sitting on the toilet and straining not to shit himself. He's never felt so vile, so embarrassed, so completely and totally vulnerable.

"So perfect. My sweet boy," Jared says, heaving breaths, both hands gentle in Jensen's hair, thumbs sliding along his wet cheekbones. "Fuck, I love you, Jensen. Can't even—god, puppy. Wanna—"

It's like none of the bad things even matter when Jared says stupid stuff like that. Like it's amazing and good that Jensen's debasing himself, that he's so filthy and wrong inside. Jensen groans silently and gags himself hard on Jared's dick, the fat head jamming down his throat and bubbling precome straight into his belly.

"Oh god, just wanna fill you up with come 'til you're overflowing," Jared huffs, tightening his fingers in Jensen's hair, finally getting the idea and pistoning into his mouth. "Dump so much hot cream into your tummy, puppy, first like this, then deep up inside your squeaky-clean little butt. Load after load for you. Feel like I could come buckets all fucking night, you're so goddamn hot and slutty for it, want me to knock you up 'til you're so fuckin' pregnant—"

Jensen's belly gives a sickening, twisting cramp, and his tears come faster. He can't cry out around Jared's knob crammed down his throat and he's just about to panic when Jared says, "Let go. God, Jensen, just let go already. Look up at me and do it. Let it all run out'a you. Don't stop suckin'. C'mon, do it, puppy—"

Jensen lets go with a choked sob, staring up at Jared, throat full of cock and his own dick rubbing slick and desperate against the huge swell of his belly. The rushing sensation of everything inside of him flooding out, the horrifying sounds as it all squelches and pours from him in gouts—it's a combination of the most amazing release he's ever felt and the most disgusting thing he's ever done. Jared's just gazing down at him, transfixed, breathing rapid and labored. His hips are still working, cock hard and throbbing between Jensen's lips as Jensen swallows compulsively.

In that moment, it's more than Jensen can take. As soon as Jared wraps one big hand around the whole back of Jensen's head at the same time the soapy water sluices out of him faster when his muscles finally, completely relax, his orgasm roars through him. It's been building and building this whole time and it just fucking clobbers him, balls wringing themselves dry as everything inside of him comes gushing out of him, big clingy globs of spunk shooting all over his own belly and chest, Jared's jeans, everywhere. The water pressure against his prostate is unbelievable, plus the taste of Jared's cock, the massive relief and mortifying shame of shitting himself clean and crying for real—it's sensory overload, and Jensen's powerless against it.

Jared's saying something, but Jensen can't even process it, not with the white noise and the achy pull of coming his brains out, a pulsing throb all over his body. Jared's hand finally drops to jerk Jensen's cock as it swells and pumps around every jet of creamy white jizz.

He figures out what his master must've been saying when Jared groans and unloads down Jensen's throat, gooey strings of come, one after the other, these massive wads that Jensen swallows straight down into his belly, sticking in his throat, flooding into his mouth and trickling down his chin as Jared's dick pulses and twitches and jerks out more.

"God, feedin' you such a big load," Jared says, pumping hard. "You're takin' it all, such a perfect, hot little fuckpuppy. Can't believe how fuckin' dirty you are, swellin' up all pregnant for me, then sittin' there on the john, shittin' out your huge belly while your master dicks your face." He's shoving hard at Jensen's head as he shoots, still, pulling at his hair—Jensen can barely breathe, vision going dark and fuzzy, the surreal high of the best orgasm he's ever had melding with the light-headed lack of oxygen and the filth spilling from Jared's mouth.

Finally, Jared's cock stops twitching around slow, mucusy burbles of come, his hands loosen, and Jensen can pull off with a slimy sucking noise. His body feels completely empty despite swallowing so much jizz. He's light and sore and so, so tired. He slumps over, still sitting on the toilet, mind all hazy and soft. He can't keep hold of any one thought for very long.

"Oh my fuckin' god," Jared says, knees wobbly. He's got one hand on the wall behind the toilet, propping himself up. He reaches down and pulls Jensen up, supporting almost all of his weight. Grabbing a damp washcloth from the rack by the sink, he gingerly dabs at Jensen's ass and thighs, wiping him up, getting the last of him completely clean. He kisses Jensen's face, licking a little bit where he smeared his cock around before wiping that up, too.

"C'mon, sweetness," he murmurs against Jensen's hair, and slowly walks them back to Jensen's puppy bed. Jensen drags his feet a little, sighing softly and blinking up at Jared, not entirely sure how to make his brain work again. He feels like he should say something. "So proud of you," Jared says instead. He helps Jensen gingerly sit before stripping off his own shirt and pushes his jeans and underwear down the rest of the way, kicking them off, then climbing onto the mattress. The plastic sheet squeaks as Jared gets settled, pulling Jensen to him. "You did so good today. You're so perfect."

Jensen goes easily, pliant and tired. Jared is proud of him. With his shame burned away, he's relaxed, he can be content and not worry about what he's supposed to think and feel and want. It's just him and Jared. A puppy and his master.

"And now you're all clean and empty," Jared says, pressing his lips to Jensen's for a moment, nothing but sweet. Jensen lets his tongue sneak out, licking a little at Jared's sweaty neck, savoring it like he always does. He nuzzles and snuffles at Jared's pits, at his hair, and gives him puppy kisses to show that he's grateful, to say how happy he is that he's Jared's, to say how much he loves how Jared makes him feel. How much he loves Jared, though he couldn't ever say it. Jared cuddles him close and strokes him, gently rubs his sore belly and his stretched out hole.

"Get a nice nap now that you're all fresh, sweet boy," Jared says after a while. "Because later, Master's gonna breed your hot little puppy butt 'til you're all dirty and full-up again."

*

The end.

Rumours of my death, etc.

2009-08-18T01:12:21Z

I feel like all I ever post about these days is how I haven't posted in SO LONG, and how I promise to be better. But then fail. SIGH.

I am smack dab in the middle of moving! I spent all weekend packing and unpacking, and even enlisted beckaandzac (Did I ever make a post about how Becka and sadcypress and chash and I had a meetup at Jay's Saloon -- obviously owned by Jared, we decided -- and constructed an elaborate crack AU set there? And that Becka and I also met up with lizardspots and kerryblaze and kaalee and had a lovely but hot and humid morning/afternoon in downtown DC? I DON'T THINK I DID! I SHOULD HAVE! IT WAS ALL AMAZING!) to carry way too many boxes that were way too heavy. (PEE ESS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BB!)

ANYWAY. I was hoping to be done with it all by tonight, but I LOCKED MY NEW KEYS IN MY NEW ROOM IN MY NEW TOWNHOUSE. :< No good at all. I feel completely stupid and ridiculous and I am so, so embarrassed about emailing/calling my property manager to come unlock my room for me. UGH. WHY DID I DO THAT. I was even standing there at the door for a minute or two while I was carrying the boxes that needed to be taken out when I left, and I was like, should I put these boxes down and go check in the room to make sure I have my key before I leave? NAH. I'M SURE I HAVE IT IN MY BAG. Oh, how wrong I was. It must be sitting on one of my new dressers or shelves. WEEP. GOD. HOW STUPID AM I.

In MUCH, MUCH better news! pandarus is AMAZING and recorded a truly brilliant podfic of The Last of the Romantics, the J-squared AU I wrote based on the film Sabrina. It was for Sweet Charity last year! pandarus has an English accent, and while I understand that it's not considered the best accent for recording SPN fic or RPS, it is NOTHING LESS THAN PERFECT for recording this particular fic, as London is practically a third character, and there are British supporting cast members, and a lot of who Jared becomes is informed by his time in England. ANYWAY. IT IS STUNNING. Her rendition makes my writing eighty billion times better. Not that that's saying much. <333! POINT IS: YOU ARE AWESOME, pandarus!

Also good news: IT'S HERE!

The SPN Anonymous Kink Meme
blindfold_spn

Round Two: Blind Faith

Come play with us! There are already like TEN PAGES OF PROMPTS and a good few fics! Get down and dirty, babies. Pimp far and wide!

Give that big boo-tay a smaaack!

2009-07-30T00:14:10Z

I AM HOME! And diving into the maelstrom of work and life, yet again. It's sad! I had such a wonderful, relaxing two weeks with valiant, just sort of ignoring everything important I should've been worrying about. MAN WAS IT AMAZING.

I have, however, secured a place to live! I'm sharing a townhouse quite near where I currently live, except closer to the Metro station. WHICH IS GREAT. It is not, however, a perfect place. I'm willing to put up with what seem to be kind of lame roommates and a soaked-in cigarette smell, though. Ostensibly I will be moving out again at the end of December anyway, but if I get used to it and settle in, I might stay longer. I WILL HAVE A KING SIZE BED! Which is amazing. The biggest I've ever had before is a double/full. YAY BIG BED. I will also have my own bathroom, which was one of my major requirements while house-hunting. It's not a very pretty room, though. I WILL TAKE PICTURES SOON! I'm going over to sign papers and put down my deposit by the end of the week, so. It will be mine soon! The question now is WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL MY SHIT. Seriously. I have so much accumulated CRAP. Even when I lived in England and down in C'ville, my room in my parents' house was full of my crap. PLUS I still have crap stuffed in lazy_daze's mom's garage. Mostly books, I think, but possibly some random bedding and school notes and stuff. I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE. Clearly my next trip will have to be to go to the other side of the ocean to retrieve it.

ANYWAY. Alas, amongst all the televiewing with Edie, I did not get my hair dyed. I did have AN AWESOME TWENTY-THIRD BIRTHDAY, though. Her mommy baked this delicious sour cream/chocolate chip pound cake. YUM. MY. And gave me a really pretty coffee mug and some little journals, and her little sister gave me the sweetest wee monkey slippers ever. I DON'T EVEN KNOW. HER FAMILY IS THE BEST FAMILY. Plus Edie gave me a puppy :3 His name is Shorty. Which is pronounced "Shawty", of course. He may or may not be related to the reams of J-squared puppyplay that will never see the light of day. AND may also have inspired a drunken rendition of Low, the Flo Rida song. I'M SORRY, OKAY. I GET CARRIED AWAY WHEN I PLAY GUITAR HERO. ESPECIALLY WHEN WASTED ON SHOTS.

Just in case you do not know this song. IMAGINE ME ATTEMPTING TO RAP THIS, PLEASE. IT WAS SIGHT TO BE SEEN. I GOT 83% ON EASY.

Flo Rida - New Music - More Music Videos

Epic images of Jensen's apple bottom in tight jeans and wearing boots trimmed with fur. D:

ALSO I GOTTA COSY. :D! I have been pining for a valiant cosy forever, and the one she made me is so cute I want to die sodihndkfmj. It is so not worth the horror of awful enema porn she is going to get in return. :(

ADORABLE.

With my iPod nano in it. I use SanDisk earphones because they fit my ears best and have changeable little rubber thingies. Best, most comfortable earphones ever! Also, I always swore I'd never buy an iPod, because I have scary brand loyalty to PCs, but since I didn't buy it and I don't use iTunes, I can rationalize having one. HAH.

The cosy plus my iPod Nano, Puppy. Or iPup, if I am feeling twee. (mediaville, look familiar? <333!) ORANGE IS MY FAVE COLOUR.

And from Edie's fam:

The presh little blank books! So pretty!

Pretty coffee mug! No one in Edie's family but her mom drinks coffee, so she was happy to have a coffee buddy while I was there. :D!

MONKEY SLIPPERS. My BFF from middle school and I had this crazy inside joke about Sil and Sal the Gay Monkeys, so these slippers are inadvertently the BEST, MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER.

SHORTY! My adorable new best friend and bed-mate. <3333! I love him! I have slept with him every night since my birthday! UGH SO CUTE I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

SO YEAH. I also got a 1.5 TB external hard drive from my parents for my birthday, which I have been DESPERATELY needing. My old hard drive died and I lost everything on it. Now I can finally start rebuilding. :D!

ANYWAY. While I was there, we also had a Gryffindor tea, and it was GLORIOUS. We watched HBP a second time on my birthday (after I was finished puking from the night before, but before getting drunk yet again that night) and it was STILL BRILLIANT. I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT.

In total, we ended up watching Firefly, Serenity, the first three seasons of Oz (which I had seen but Edie had not), the first season of Veronica Mars, all of seasons three and four of Supernatural (oh my goood the heckling that went on during that rewatch as we tried to figure out WTF the writers were thinking shall never be matched), and the pilot of Friday Night Lights (AT WHICH I SOBBED LIKE A BITCH. I am going to have to watch the rest!). AND YET WE DIDN'T FINISH SO MUCH WE HAD ON THE LIST TO WATCH! Oh well! I will just have to do a lot of torrenting in the near future. :D!

There was much Sims-ing, as well. I played her game for a while, which was INSANE because it is so much faster and prettier and better than my game. My poor laptop is about to bite the dust and is making truly horrifying noises, and I think loading the Sims pulls it ever closer to committing computer suicide. D: I need more RAM! And a better graphics card! But I can't get a better graphics card, I don't think, because laptops usually have them soldered to the motherboard. D: ANYWAY I AM SURE YOU CARE DEEPLY. POINT IS: WEEP, MY COMPUTER!

And yet here I am, completely disregarding its pain and blithely downloading >10 gigs of porn.

:(

Surfacing for an update!

2009-07-16T23:01:27Z

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN TWO DAYS! :D! EXCITED! I am at valiant's, and I am sure there will be much revelry and insanity. We have actually planned to be hungover all day on Sunday and therefore won't have to cancel any plans if and when I end up spending the whole day explosively ill. HAH. I am such a responsible adult.

Once again life is crazy and I haven't updated in what seems like ages and ages. I just got here on Tuesday morning after getting up at 4.30 AM (well, "getting up", because I didn't actually sleep) for my flight. We started rewatching season three of SPN, and are going to proceed on to season 4. I've barely rewatched any of season 4 at all, so I am excited to! We're also finishing Firefly, which I'd never seen before. I think we have three episodes left? OMFG SIMON/RIVER. :( I NEED IT. I was like, beating Edie up over it during "Ariel". She has also gotten me solidly on-board the Simon/Jayne train. I am not a Mal fan, though, and I think the series as a whole is just too Whedon-y for me. I have some problems with the general style and character types and dialogue that I also had with Buffy, even though both series are still generally entertaining. We're also planning to watch eighty billion other shows that I have never had a chance to watch, and I am going to make her watch Oz. :D! YAY PRISON.

Sort of related to prison, I have written a fair amount of PORN today. HURRAH. We stayed up until like 9 AM (no, that is not a typo soidnfhsiod) talking about porn. And then I woke up at like 2 PM and was suddenly inspired. Mmmm, puppy play and enemas. I don't even know. This may just not even be postable, it is so self-indulgent and insane.

OH, OH! We saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince yesterday! OMFG OMFG OMFG SO AMAZING. LIKE. OH MY GOD. I LAUGHED, I CRIED, I PANGED WITH THE SUDDEN AND OVERWHELMING NEED FOR HP PORN. I was awash in nostalgia for my HP fandom days, too. Amazing. We rewatched Order of the Phoenix as soon as we got back, also, which I didn't remember a lot of. GOD SO FREAKING GREAT. Half-Blood Prince was just so perfectly translated from book to screen. They left out all the right things, the tone and atmosphere and cinematography were PERFECT, pretty much everyone's acting has improved by leaps and bounds. I don't know. It was just seriously, seriously awesome. Also, having distance from the source material and not being a spastic HP fan liable to launch into a frothing rage at the smallest slight (WHICH I SERIOUSLY HAVE DONE IN THE PAST) made it infinitely more enjoyable. I don't want to get into specifics and risk spoiling those who haven't seen it yet, but yeah. SERIOUSLY FUCKING KICK-ASS AWESOME. ALSO I WANT TO DO ROMILDA VANE SO FUCKING HARD. ALL NIGHT LONG. OH GOD.

999999999999999999999999999999999999-++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++9999999999999999999999999999999999?

odifnmkhlf ummm that was Gryphon, valiant's ILLEGALLY ADORABLE RATTIE walking on the keys of my laptop as I lounge in her bed osdingkmfh ahahaha. He is seriously the cutest little schmoo ever.

Anyway! I guess that is about all there is to report! I hope to go totally blonde in the next couple days, so if that happens, I will post a picspam. :D! Also, I hope to have secured somewhere to LIVE in the next couple days, as I replied to a place I visited before I left and am just waiting for the renting details. AND I will have finished my med school applications FINALLY.

I HOPE.

FINGERS CROSSED.

I'm not as ugly sad as you!

2009-07-04T21:33:05Z

I AM NOT DEAD NOR HAVE I FALLEN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

I know, it is a shock. And also convenient, because MY BIRTHDAY IS IN TWO WEEKS :D!

My life is officially batshit crazy right now, though. It might be nice to fall off the face of the earth, just for a little while.

ANYWAY. I actually got back from my trip last weekend, but then work has been hectic, and RL stuff has been hectic, and my brain has been hectic. I just now finished reading as far back on my flist as it is possible to go (i.e. ?skip=980) and I only got back to the 24th of June. Thank fuck for the three-day weekend or it never would've been possible at all. WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE THE 24TH THOUGH? I am cruelly without ability to find out. :(

I am also SO SO SO sadly behind on spn_j2_bigbang! I've been opening recced fics and rec posts themselves in tabs as I read my flist, but any that you guys think are particularly DO NOT MISS? Please gimme a shout! I am determined to make time for some luxurious fic-reading soon.

ALTHOUGHT NOT TOO SOON, because I am still not freaking done with my med school applications yet sodindkmh. It is a tedious process and I find it difficult to just sit myself down and DO IT. Especially when there are several kinky fics to be written :">! I have not forgotten about the mermaid sex outtake from We Float Together (Once and Forever)! Although I am currently writing ENEMA PORN osdignskh idek idek how do I end up attempting these things. I have done way too much research for this, ahaha. I still have a couple other WIPs to finish up, too, like my Hercules AU and my abortive first Big Bang attempt. AND I STILL HAVE NOT ABANDONED THOSE DRABBLES FROM OVER A YEAR AGO!

All of that is clearly more important than my entire future, right? RIGHT.

Speaking of my entire future. I THINK MY PARENTS MAY HAVE A BUYER FOR OUR HOUSE. In which case, um, I have like A MONTH. Possibly two. TO MOVE. Which is really not enough time. My mom's going to go live with my dad (FINALLY!) up in Andover and I will be staying here in my own TBD residence until at least December (when my Americorps position ends), but we have no idea wtf to do with all our shit. And if I live someplace furnished (I might end up renting a room from a family friend with a big gorgeous fully-furnished house) I will have to figure out what to do with all my shit, too, since I won't be able to move it with me. I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW. STRESS! Plus what the hell am I going to do with myself after December? Should I move to MA where my parents will be? Should I move to Colorado and live with my sister in her house? I HAVE NO MONEY! This is a major dilemma. More school? High-paying crap job I don't want? Low-paying crap job I sort of want? Will I get into med school this first try or will I have to go get an MA and then try again?

WHY DO I HAVE TO GROW UP. :( I just want everything to sort itself out. Being a competent, independent adult is way overrated. Although I do feel ridiculously ignorant and lame for being 22 (almost 23!) and having no idea what is going to happen to me. This is how people are supposed to be when they are teenagers, not actual legal non-minor-type people.

Sigh. Moving on. MY TRIP WITH MY KIDS! Truly, utterly amazing. I mean, it was incredibly trying and exhausting and stressful as all hell, but it was also AWESOME. And I really got to bond with all of them, and get to know them all on much deeper levels, and have SO MUCH FUN with them. It is probably not cool to post a picture of them publicly, is it? Maybe I will make a flocked post later with trip pictures in which I babble about all of them. It is so weird to remember the first time I facilitated a session at AWI, and how crazy and unwieldy and intimidating I found them. I knew I'd come to know them and understand them, of course, but still. The comparison is really interesting. I think both they AND I have grown a lot over the six months (!!!) I have been working with them. Not to mention they have vastly expanded my vocabulary odingdfkh ahahaha!

I also started working with the Summer Youth Employment kids at the Planned Parenthood center, and I am having those same initial feelings of craziness and unwieldiness and intimidation. I just have to remind myself that's the way it was with my kids, too, and that it worked out in the end. Of course, I will only have until the end of August with these guys, but. We'll see.

What else? OH I GOT A STUPID HORRIBLE HAIRCUT YESTERDAY. Ugh, whatever. I am so sick of this middle-of-the-road length and colour. I want it long and blonde now. :( It is being stubborn, though.

I feel like there are a trillion more things I should be saying or linking to or uploading. Someone on my flist posted this recently, which is HILARIOUS for those of us NoVA-ers, and for everyone else who lives in particularly preppy suburban areas, too:

OH here is a question! Has there been any Danneel Harris/Elisabeth Harnois fic? BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE SOME OF THAT. I am also curious if there is any twincest of a The Veronicas variety. sodinhdkmlfh yes I am ashamed. But I am really in the mood for some femslash, okay? *_* There are some rare kinks I am desperate to read fic about, too, and I have totally exhausted nifty and alt.sex and all that, but I think I will wait and request those during the next blindfold_spn, coming to an LJ near you round about the end of Big Bang season. :D!

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS THAT'S IT. Who else isn't out chillin' at a cookout tonight? I plan on watching some of the DC 4th of July celebrations on TV and drinking more alcohol than is advisable. I should probably be going out with people, but I am just so freaking tired! I need to turn off for a little while and hang out on chat and do NOTHING except answer comments and speculate about the expatriot cookout Jared and Jensen are clearly having tonight.

Make it rain down on me

2009-06-21T20:50:08Z

OH MAN. HAY ALL. I have not posted since I made my Big Bang entry! I'm so sorry I've been slack, but thank you SO MUCH for all the nice things y'all have said about it. :D! I always answer all my fic comments, but holy crap, the last week has been SO STUPIDLY HECTIC! My kids at work had their end-of-year extravaganza thing that of course I ended up doing WAAAY more than my fair share of work for. Plus I have had some AWESOME FICS TO BETA!

I am currently on a charter bus to Atlanta with all the kids, though, so I can't post links (I'm writing this entry on my phone). Please go check out valiant's delicious and atmospheric John/Jo fic and also mediaville's hilarious and moving J-squared fic. I wish it were easier for me to gush about them now!

We are currently pulled over in our charter bus, actually. Apparently our driver was speeding and the State Trooper who stopped us is the slowest-moving cop on the planet. ALSO OMFG. We are parked on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere somewhere around Charlotte, North Carolina, and what are we parked right in front of but THE WOODSHED LOUNGE. A GAY LEATHER BAR. AHAHAHAHAHA BEST PLACE EVER FOR ME TO WIND UP WITH MY KIDS!! I totally taught them what a leather bar is and what the flag looks like ahahaha.

ANYWAY. So I won't have my computer for a week while I am on this trip, but I will have my phone! You should all text or email to entertain me on the long drives/rides/flights, because I am needy and clingy like that!

Need sleep so bad. :( I have slept like five hours in three days.

Oh, also, so I heard that Jensen has to move out because he and Jared keep each other up too late INDEED BOYS. I think I need to hear theories about what they get up to so late at night after those beers. ;)! What else have I missed??

FIC: We Flow Together (Once and Forever), Master Post

2009-06-08T16:07:15Z

Title: We Flow Together (Once and Forever)
Author: balefully
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Words: 35,300

Summary: As a child, Jensen Ackles was saved from drowning by a mysterious boy who appeared from the depths off the coast of Cape Cod. Now a grown man, Jensen is an actor in New York City, living off a trust fund from his parents, and convinced he's incapable of true love. One fateful night finds him back in Cape Cod after a raucous party gone wrong, fighting for his life as he sinks beneath the waves. Yet again, he's saved from a watery grave—this time by a naked man, seemingly mute and more beautiful than anyone Jensen's ever seen. The stranger decides to call himself Jared, and as he and Jensen spend time together, learning each other body and soul, Jensen finds that his own capacity for love is as boundless as the ocean.

Jensen's world comes crashing down around him when he discovers the origin of Jared's strange naiveté and lack of inhibitions—he's a mermaid, fins and all. After Jared is abducted by researchers who subject him to cruel tests, Jensen must make a crucial decision: will he risk everything to finally find true love—with a fish—or will Jared be the one that got away?

Disclaimer: Based on Splash, the 1984 Touchstone film starring Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah. I own nothing; this is all a figment of my fevered imagination.

Notes: Written for spn_j2_bigbang. Infinite thanks to everyone who listened to me bitch and moan and especially those who were cheering me on right down to the wire. You know who you are. Biggest beta thanks to rivers_bend, valiant, and mediaville. Lots more love and acknowledgements in the Author's Notes at the end!

Art by cathybites

We Flow Together (Once and Forever)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Art Post

And miles to beta before I sleep.

2009-05-28T21:00:44Z

SO HOLY CRAP. I do not think I have mentioned this yet but MY BIG BANG POSTING DATE IS THE EIGHTH OF JUNE. As in, THE VERY FIRST DAY! Which is amazing because it means I can get it done and dusted and concentrate on a) life and b) betaing for other people, but like. HOLY SHIT THAT IS 11 DAYS AWAY. I am working my poor typey fingers to the bone. And also completely neglecting my real work that I should be doing. Writing fic on my office computer is probably not such a hot idea. I decided to leave the porn editing and insertion (ahaha) for last for this reason, ahaha :/ WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO GET THIS OUT. Why. :( As Dorothy Parker said (and someone on my flist recently quoted), "I hate writing. I like having written." AMEN, DOROTHY. AMEN.

ANYWAY. Speaking of the office! I recently got a new sort of part-time placement at a Planned Parenthood teen center out in Ward 7. I am super happy about it, and I really love the kids I've met there so far, and I am psyched to do all the clinical stuff I'll get to do with the health center connected to the program center. I wish I could just work there completely and ignore the lame other job that is boring and no good 90% of the time, but hey, I gotta do what Americorps tells me. APPARENTLY Americorps has some sort of stipulation where you cannot be involved with anything related to abortion services, including referrals and pre- and post-abortion counseling, which I think is the most dumbfuck regulation EVER, because Americorps is a federal program, and abortion is LEGAL, so. Why the hell would we not be allowed to be involved in even COUNSELING? Like. That is ridiculous. So I am just going to do it anyway, because I am working at a fucking PLANNED PARENTHOOD and if one of my girls asks me about it, I'm not going to say SORRY, BABE, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THAT CRAP! I'm just not. That is wrong in every way. Ugh, life.

At least my Americorps co-workers are awesome people. The one dude (We use to have more! What happened to them all?) had a Memorial Day BBQ at his place in NE, and though I got stalked by a gross loser in an SUV who shouted at me the whole walk there from the metro, I had an AWESOME TIME and did things I really should not have done and sent about a billion unintelligible texts. At some point I am going to need to rewatch Pineapple Express, because I have no idea WTF happened in it, though I technically saw the whole thing, and also I was convinced Alona Tal was in it at the time, which of course she was not.

Also work-related, I am going on a big ol' trip to Georgia and Louisiana with my kids! It is all-inclusive since it's for work, which is nice, and also I'll be getting OVER THREE WEEKS worth of service hours. PLUS I think it may even be fun, as long as the kids don't get too crazy. Although it will be sweltering, I'm sure. Mostly I am just happy about the hours and the free food. I expect lots of texts and emails to entertain me while I am computer-less. I WILL HAVE MY PHONE! :D! YOU WILL HAVE TO TELL ME IF JARED AND JENSEN GET MARRIED WHEN I AM NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

Unrelatedly! As he and his impact on Sam and Dean and SPN as a whole are being discussed frequently on my flist these days, can I just say: this is always how I will think of Castiel. Always. I'm sorry, I just. I CAN SEE FOREVER. It looks exactly like him sodginsdogin :3 Don't deny. N'aww, Cass. I have thought this from his very first appearance. KITTYFACE.

Also unrelatedly, I have yet to see the new Terminator, which is VERY BAD OF ME, because sodignsodn my man Christian!! I am usually the FIRST IN LINE to see new Bale movies! But I haven't seen any of the other Terminators, so. I want to watch those first. I never had a desire to see them, but I am willing to sit through them to be rewarded with Christian Bale at the end. Also, LOLZ MCG. He has his hands in all my favourite pots. Supernatural! Christian Bale! SPRING AWAKENING, APPARENTLY! N'aww, McG. You are precious. And also EVIL in my Hercules AU which has yet to be finished. That comes next after Big Bang.

But anyway, on the topic of PRECIOUS. I have been GORGING myself on Dean Forester lately. Not that I ever DON'T, but. sadcypress and I finished season 3 of Gilmore Girls and started season 4. DEAN. DEEEEEAN. And then I came home and read two AWESOME Dean Forester fics.

1) The Last of the True Romantics, by rudhampaiel. I am glad I read this even though the fact that it is called almost the exact same thing as a fic of mine almost put me off, ahaha. MAN IT IS AMAZING. Dean/Rory, with SO MUCH BEAUTIFUL DEAN LIFE AND SOUL AND CHARACTER. He deserves to be his own person, you know? To have his own life and be proud of himself and happy in who he is. And this fic GIVES THAT TO HIM. And Rory REALIZING what she WANTS and just sodignkerhofignkhlfghs oh my god this was just delicious and awkward in a perfect way. SIGH. *_*!

2) Everybody Loves a Happy Ending, by backinblack. Dean/Priestly. I MEAN REALLY. WHERE COULD THIS POSSIBLY GO WRONG. Hilarious and casutic and snarky but secretly sweet and schmoopy. Sexy and awesome. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT. You don't have to know anything about Gilmore Girls or Ten Inch Hero to love it, either. :D!

Lastly, oh man, the costume chick on Gilmore Girls must've been on crack:

WHY ARE THERE TWO RS ON DEAN'S JERSEY. (Well, three actually, but you know what I mean.) WHY? THEY CAN'T EVEN SPELL IT RIGHT IN THE FREAKING SHOW. Sigh.

So yeah. That's it. Asylum this weekend! I am excited for reports!

Don't you want somebody to love?

2009-05-22T01:40:05Z

NO NEW SPN. :( Weep. What a sad state of affairs. I find it so amusing that it had to end just when I started really enjoying it this season. Which seems odd, because I definitely remember making happy post-episode squee posts! But just overall I have such a sense of ennui from this season, right up until 21 and 22. It definitely merits a good long marathon rewatch. A lot usually comes out in the wash, looking at it as a big picture like that. ANWAY. I have some random crap to talk about. Like how I MISSED MY EIGHTH LJ-VERSARY. :( I was going to revamp my whole LJ and make it awesome and everything, too. Oh well. Some other time I guess. :/ ON TO THE OTHER RANDOM CRAP:

a) A friend of mine from high school is famous for being a geek. This is not in any way surprising. :D! I went to a geek high school. I bet like half of my graduating class facebook'd her after seeing that news story and asked her for more info about where to get the parts to make their own closet labs.

b) SPEAKING OF MY HIGH SCHOOL LIFE. GLEE! Like everyone on the planet has been talking about how awesome the pilot was, and I JUST WANT TO ADD MY VOICE TO THE CHORUS. SO TO SPEAK. My sister and I both went to the same high school, but my sister is 5 years older, so I just missed being there when she was. When my sister went there, the choir program (and all the extra-curricular choirs!) was a BIG deal and they were freaking awesome and won everything in sight. Cheerleaders, band geeks, drama dorks, everyone sort of melded together to make the choirs great. And then over the next several years and a couple director changes, the choir program just kind of. Flopped. It was fairly limping along during the second half of my high school existence (I was in both curricular and extra-curricular choir all four years), and was seriously hurting for people, good guys in particular. We had a cute young male director who had to try and breathe new life into the program and make everyone feel special again and recruit kids from the other activities etc. etc. etc. BASICALLY IT WAS GLEE EXCEPT WITH MUCH NICER KIDS. :D! AMAZING. AMAAAAZING. I teared up like five times because I got so nostalgic and missed being a choir nerd so badly. :( I know of like. At least half a dozen affianced or married couples who met in my high school chorus. Probably more. ANYWAY CANNOT WAIT FOR FALL WHEN IT STARTS FOR REAL. :D! :D! :D!

c) I got a haircut a couple weeks ago! And I totally forgot to mention it or picspam or anything. It was dyed super darkest black, but it was growing out so much my roots were just ridiculous. I decided I really wanted to go BLONDE. But of course since my hair was dyed soooo black it was gonna be hard. I didn't want to strip it and totally ruin it, so I went with cutting out as much of the black as possible (IT IS SO FREAKING SHORT NOW. THE LAST TIME IT WAS THIS SHORT, MY AGE WAS A SINGLE DIGIT), then getting all-over highlights to try and lighten the black and then died the roots darker brown so it didn't look blonde on top and dark on the bottom. WHATEVER POINT IS: it was hugely expensive and I think it only looks mediocre. But I was pretty much planning on that. This is just the middle stage before I can go blonde. :D!

I know, it is blurry and I am making an unattractive grumpy face and such. Oh well. It is a good representation of LIFE.

d) THIS is BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING and entertained me for way, way too long.

e) I am in DIRE, DESPERATE NEED of an all-encompassing Ruby vid to Poker Face by Lady Gaga. DIRE. NEED. I heard it properly for the first time a couple days before the finale and was like OH MAN. AMAZING. I seriously instantly thought of Ruby and Sam. And it is EVEN MORE AMAZING after the finale. I want a retrospective of all of season four (and even season three) Ruby and her MANIPULATIONS! GOD. IT WOULD BE SO PERFECT AND COULD BE SO SHARP AND LIVELY AND AWESOMMMMME. For anyone who doesn't know the song:

It will be stuck in your head forever. :( (THERE ARE GREAT DANES IN THAT MUSIC VIDEO! AUTOMATICALLY BEST EVER! *_*)

GOD I WISH I COULD VID.

f) Simple Pleasures, by destina, is like. The sweetest, most amazing, yet REAL first-time J-squared I've read in a long time. It made me all sigh-y and chest clench-y. PERFECT.

g) CANNOT WAIT FOR THE SHERLOCK MOVIE. CANNOT.

SPN!

2009-05-15T02:34:22Z

WELL THEN!

I GUESS THAT'S A WRAP ON SEASON FOUR! And what a KICK-ASS Carry On, Wayward Son THEN we got. :D! But yeah.

Not gonna lie, I am hugely relieved that it's over. I NEED MY HIATUS TO FORTIFY MYSELF. And that cliffhanger is a much, much preferable one to the Sam-and-Dean-separated-painfully ending I was hoping wouldn't happen. SO. SOME POINTS.

a) I am THRILLED that Ruby was playing Sam all along. I mean. I think we'd sort of all figured that out by now, but I like the way they did it. And I LOVED her spastic insanity and thought Genevieve did a REALLY great job. Like she's been this totally off-the-deep-end crazy whackjob the whole time, just suppressing it, and then it all came bursting out when she could stop playing nice. And she clearly did care for Sam, but in that sacrificial lamb, patronizing, such-a-good-boy-you're-so-special sort of CRAZYCAKES OBSESSIVE way. I JUST LOVE CRAZINESS. LOVE IT. And I love thinking of her as the fucked-in-the-head fanatic. SHE IS VERY BELLATRIX LESTRANGE, NO? :D! Awesome. AWESOME. And honestly, Gen did a brilliant job with it, in my opinion. It makes all her simpering and coaxing and everything else from the rest of the season perfect. I am glad she's dead from a story standpoint but SAD because I REALLY LOVED HER. Way more than I loved Castiel!! And yet he is still running around being a big fat hero. So yeah.

b) OH CASTIEL. I am not sure what I think! I think there was a little much in the way of Castiel being a ~flawed soul~ whom Dean convinced to ~see the light~, so to speak. I wish Dean had busted out on his own! Also I am just not really interested in Castiel's Doubt and Faith and Journey and all that spiel. I loved it when he was kowtowing to The Man and was all whipped, because it made him more interesting and not such a cliche. Plus, it was obvious he realized he was being spineless! I don't know. I just thought Castiel riding in to save the day was kind of lame. I knew I shouldn't hold out for him to be playing Dean, that it was obvs gonna be the higher-ups doing the Bad Stuff, but I WAS STILL NURSING A LITTLE BIT OF HOPE. There is, however, the beautiful opening for hiatus fic to explain that he EXPLODED whilst attempting to hold back the archangel. :D! Or something.

c) Speaking of which! YAY FOR THE ANGELS BEING FUCKHEADS. It was all very Good Omens! Where the "good" guys want the Apocalypse just as much as the "bad" guys etc. etc. and they all just don't give a shit about the humans. I had been hoping through the rest of this season that something would happen where Heaven would turn out to suck balls even more than Hell, and in a way, they do! Which is awesome! Sadly, I ALSO wanted that to mean that Sam and Dean would have to realize together that that meant they could only rely on each other. And that. Hasn't happened. YET, though! There is lots of time next season! It is inevitable in the wake of all the shit that just went down!

e) How much did I love Dean calling Sam! SO MUCH. Besides the fact that it makes NO PLOT SENSE that he could make the first call but not the subsequent one. WTF, how on earth did that happen oedignskryh. Anyway. It was adorable and him saying, "I'm sorry, Sammy." OH MY HEART. Also he was seriously beautiful in this ep! AND HIS WEE TREMBLING LIPS UNF. Also holy shit when Castiel was talking about the new world and Dean getting to bask in paradise and be absolved and forgiven for all guilt etc. etc. I KEPT THINKING THE WAY HE WAS LOOKING AT HIM. TALKING ABOUT BEING ABLE TO SEE IN DEAN'S HEAD. AND HOW HE WOULD BE FORGIVEN EVEN FOR SAM. LIKE. :( :( :( IT SCREAMED WINCEST I'M SORRY. IT JUST DID. And Dean's miserable little face, realizing Sam would never be there with him aoignskehdihn WHAT IS THE POINT OF PARADISE WITHOUT HIS SAMMY? NO POINT AT ALL! I have to say that I did not care for Bobby being the one to tell him to make things right with Sam, though. I do NOT approve of Dean giving up on him like that. He should've come around on his own! SINCE WHEN DOES BOBBY LOVE SAM MORE THAN DEAN. DEAN, YOU WILL NEVER EVER BE TIRED OF CHASING YOUR LITTLE BROTHER AROUND. THAT IS YOUR DESTINY. THAT RIGHT THERE.

d) WHICH BRINGS US TO: CAN WE TALK ABOUT SAM FOR A MINUTE PLEASE. OR MANY LONG, FASCINATING HOURS. :D! SO BEAUTIFUL. SO TROUBLED. OH SAMMY. ALL HE WANTS IS FOR DEAN TO LOVE HIM. OH GOD MY POOR HEART BROKE MESSILY IN TWO WHEN HE THOUGHT DEAN WAS RIGHT. AND THEN WHEN HE FINALLY GOT UP THE NERVE TO LISTEN TO THAT VOICEMAIL. AND RUBY MADE IT EVIL AND HORRIBLE AND HIS SOUL JUST SHATTERED INTO A BILLION TRILLION PIECES RIGHT THERE. JUST. GOD. ANYONE WHO EVER THOUGHT SAM WINCHESTER DIDN'T LOVE DEAN TO THE FUCKING ENDS OF THE UNIVERSE AND BACK IS JUST TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY WRONG. WHAT IS THE POINT FOR HIM, IF DEAN DOESN'T LOVE HIM? IF HE DOESN'T HAVE THE ONLY PERSON IN HIS ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE HE TRUSTS AND LOVES AND WANTS AND NEEDS?!?!?! OH MY GOD I FREAKING. DIED. DIED SO BAD. FUCK. AND RUBY'S EVIL LITTLE SMILE. IDEFK. SAM. SAM. SAAAAAM SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL AND WHEN HIS EYES FINALLY SLID BLACK AND I WAS LIKE WRIGGLING AROUND IN MY SEAT OH SAMMY. OH BABY. WHEN HE HEARD DEAN SHOUTING FOR HIM. THE ONLY THING THAT COULD CUT THROUGH THE DEMONIC POWER FLOOOOODING THROUGH HIM. God I need to not shriek in capslock I'm sorry but holy shit. His face. His beautiful, hopeful face, SHINING with love for Dean and sdogiunse he was holding on JUST FOR HIM and just. JUST. soginlwkeshodinh fuckfuckfuck I want them to talk about the voicemail so bad. I want them to clutch each other and make out in the apocalyptic light of Lucifer returning to Earth SO. FUCKING. BADLY. GOD JUST GRIPPING EACH OTHER SO TIGHT AND BREATHING EACH OTHER IN BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING ALL THEY'VE GOT AND THEY JUST. FUCK. FUCK. THEIR LOVE I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW. THEIR LOVE THAT RIPS THE WORLD APART. THAT TEARS APART DESTINIES AND HEAVEN AND HELL AND I JUST. SHIT. SHIT. And god RUBY USING DEAN AGAINST SAM. Because she KNOWS the only way to get to him is through Dean. Is through his need for REVENGE and when he was LOST AND SUICIDAL without Dean and when he was lost and suicidal because he thought Dean LOATHED HIS VERY EXISTENCE JUST. GOD. GOD. SAMMY!!!!!! Speaking of how I fucking love THE CRAZY! WHEN HE WAS SHUTTING THE RN IN THE TRUNK?! OH MY GOD. SO FUCKING CREEPY AND FUCKING GENIUS AMAZING. GOD I LOVED IT. YES I AM DISTURBED BUT I FUCKING DID. CHILLING AND BRILLIANT. And the DUMBO WITH THE FEATHER LINE! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! THAT MEANS HE WILL STILL HAVE POWER AND AMAZINGNESS?!?! HE DIDN'T NEED THE BLOOD?!?! IT IS STILL INSIDE HIM?!?!?!?! FUCKING FUCK FUCK I AM LIKE PEEING MYSELF WITH JOY. THAT IS THE BEST. THING. EVER. TO HAPPEN. EVER. I JUST. WHAT!!!!!!! SAAAAAAAAAAAAM. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. FUCK-ME-SIDEWAYS BEAUTIFUL. HURTS-MY-SOUL-SO-GOOD BEAUTIFUL. NOTHING-WILL-EVER-BE-AS-BEAUTIFUL-AS-THE-AIR-YOU-BREATHE BEAUTIFUL.

SAM SAM SAM. MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA. Damn fucking right sodginklehydf.

e) AWWWW SNAAAAAAAP! LUCIFER'S BACK, BABY. IDEK. This cliffhanger is like 205863048674807 times better than any cliffhanger where Sam and Dean did NOT end the season CLUTCHING EACH OTHER AND WEEPING EACH OTHER'S NAMES. I mean. Who even cares if Satan is walking the Earth, as long as Sam and Dean are holding each other. I am READY FOR IT, BABY. I don't know anything about Biblical mythology or whatever, but I have always loved the Lucifer story just because that is where my name comes from (Not that my parents named me after the devil. Er. You know what I mean.) and my friends/family always call me Lucifer (Or Lucifee! CINDERELLA!), and I have subsequently looked it up and read about it and it is seriously fascinating as a story. SO I AM STOKED ABOUT HIM! Espesh because also GOD HAS LEFT THE BUILDING which was the most fucking fantastic ominous thing my man Zach could have said. That, and making an ENEMA REFERENCE. AMAZING. AMAZING. ANYWAY. GOD I AM READY FOR THE LUC-MEISTER. BRING. IT. SAM AND DEAN ARE STANDING TOGETHER AND READY TO TAKE IT. WITH LOVE IN THEIR EYES AND THEIR HEARTS OPEN FOR EACH OTHER ETC. ETC. ETC.

f) THERE WERE LOTS OF WRITING ISSUES HERE. Kripke always writes THE most crass scripts of them all. And like, not funny crass. FALLING-FLAT-OTT crass. But oh well. Also there was the phone thing that made no sense to me. And also Ruby! WTF why was she trying to help Sam build his powers and kill Lilith and save Dean in season 3 if her plan all along was to bring Lucifer back? MAKES NO SENSE. Why did she even mention that stuff! Obvs Dean had to go to hell so he could break the first seal, and Lilith couldn't die because she was the last seal! IDK WHATEVER. Also how come Sam was doing such major detox from the demon blood if the demon blood wasn't doing anything? Was he addicted to it, it just wasn't the source of his power? He just THOUGHT it was, so his power increased the more he consumed because it was all psychosomatic or whatever, and coincidentally, he was also getting addicted to the blood in a normal drug-like way that didn't have to do with his power? I HAVE NO IDEA. CONFUSED.

g) OH MY GOD HOW THE FUCK IS SEASON FIVE GOING TO START?! FUCKING LUCIFER, MAN.

h) LET'S DISCUSS!!!